WE stand between two significant television moments. One happened last week, the other is due later today.

RIGHT now, somewhere in Ireland, someone’s giving their name and telling everybody in the room how they stole from dying relatives or spent their children’s Holy Communion money or sold the curtains for drink.

DEAR Government Backbencher, 2012 wasn’t exactly the best year of your life, was it?

THE year my grandmother threw the turkey on the kitchen floor was the best, by a mile.

WHEN Barack Obama, hours after the massacre in Newtown, Connecticut, talked of the need for “meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this”, half the world nodded in agreement.

SO THIS woman gets into the lift and presses the button for the floor she wants.

WE used to call them “green ink letters”.

I MISSED out on a gig recently. Lost a neat little bit of business.

WHAT do Taoiseach Enda Kenny and General David Petraeus have in common?

ONE of the most rewarding questions, up there with “what frightens you most?” is “have you ever shoplifted?”