What he lacks in stature, he makes up for in body hair. He has his hands on his hips, so I know he means business. He is wearing a tinchy pair of black budgie smugglers, so I can also see his business.

"I feel there’s a little bit of us all here, me included. We’re all just trying to do our best, remember that, darling children, when you’re telling your therapists in later years."

You would not find me eating in the sheets

But surely, it can’t just be about the money? I can see what the Diet Coke gang have to gain, but what’s in it for Jamie... besides the paycheck? He can’t love unicorns that much, can he?

"Wooden Leg McCarthy, they used to call me. (These days, two glasses of a Pinot Noir, and I have to be put to bed with a hot water bottle and a Kombucha.)"

"I’m so jealous of those cool people who casually say, ‘I’m just going for a run’, pop a homemade protein ball, and then gallop off, all earbuds and effortlessness and coordinated hand motions and normal cholesterol levels. The smug bastards."

"When you’re a child, you have a unique relationship with your dog. I can see it now I’m the mam. My boys adore our fella in a way I don’t. Like, he’s great and all, but it’s not like the absolute fierce way I loved Shep."

Being a keen observer of the human race, I’ve noticed some interesting holiday group dynamics. Here are my favourites from the summer stay-county-cation of 2024.

I tried everything to get that baby out of me, spicy food, acupuncture, a penis. Nothing worked

"Ah yeah, I’ll happily suck your soul out through your phone for four minutes instead of tapping out a response that would take less than four seconds."