"What’s the matter, hun? You don’t look like you’re enjoying my mattress-recycling anecdotes."

"The programme that tied all the other programmes together. A presenter, possibly surrounded by puppets, telling us what’s coming up next and promising a chance to win a bicycle. I miss their certainty. The presenters were our guides."

I feel like there is some huge battle in the culture wars that I am unaware of. I’m not looking to increase the world’s supply of single use sachets. The ketchup bottle that a thousand people have touched is fine by me.

"AI is already analysing the data. How long before it just gives the opinions as well, live? It just needs to learn a bit of punditese."

Obviously, the bliss doesn’t last long as I worried then about where the money was going to come from but still August 2010 was a series of delicious wakings-up. Like a Lotto ad without the money

"People like Anne Bonnie, one of the world’s most famous pirates, terrorizing ships in the 1700s in the Caribbean in the way that Roy Keane might have patrolled the midfield"

I rapped. The world’s whitest boy rapped. Saying words phonetically. Gibberish

I’ve rescued a job-lot of sausage rolls, pastries and about €40 worth of shopping that I got for a tenner in Supervalu

He is also the patron saint of elderly people but that may just be because he is always around at their houses looking for their glasses case.

"My children are cool now. I find myself saying nonsensical sentences like, ‘Would you rather be FROZEN than COOL?’"