"I love the whole ceremony. It is VERY cute when a very small human knocks at your door and then forgets their lines."

'Nearly 14 years on a website. Isn’t that weird? The entire length of a primary and secondary education'

"1992 school computers were impenetrable to hackers because they used to just stop working all the time. For no reason, as if they didn’t feel like it."

What will it learn from my novels? That “I will in my hole” means “I won’t”?

My cuddly toys are a cast of characters assembled slowly over years of Santa visits.

"Farts are simply funny. And here I am like some stuffed shirt, dead-inside, repressed out of touch, brown-suited headmaster telling this cherub she can’t continue to perform beautiful music."

"Greatest of all Time discussions really get my goat. I don’t mind finding the Greats. We’ve always liked that. Eamon Dunphy entered the public imagination in the mid-80s with his discussion on whether Platini (no) was a great player (no)."

"I once got a summer job as a human scarecrow. I was brought to a set of six fields to cycle around them and scare pigeons who had stopped giving a shite about the gas banger..."

"...the whole hydration thing is surely just a ploy by the fossil fuel industry to stay relevant after we stop burning as much oil - they’ll need us to keep buying funky plastic water bottles with positive affirmations written on them..."

"It’s not for nothing that the other name of Sleeping Beauty was Little Briar Rose. When the wicked witch locked her away in that castle, she knew exactly what she was doing."