"Farts are simply funny. And here I am like some stuffed shirt, dead-inside, repressed out of touch, brown-suited headmaster telling this cherub she can’t continue to perform beautiful music."

"Greatest of all Time discussions really get my goat. I don’t mind finding the Greats. We’ve always liked that. Eamon Dunphy entered the public imagination in the mid-80s with his discussion on whether Platini (no) was a great player (no)."

"I once got a summer job as a human scarecrow. I was brought to a set of six fields to cycle around them and scare pigeons who had stopped giving a shite about the gas banger..."

"...the whole hydration thing is surely just a ploy by the fossil fuel industry to stay relevant after we stop burning as much oil - they’ll need us to keep buying funky plastic water bottles with positive affirmations written on them..."

"It’s not for nothing that the other name of Sleeping Beauty was Little Briar Rose. When the wicked witch locked her away in that castle, she knew exactly what she was doing."

"I understand why anyone would hang onto 'their' hair colour for as long as possible. To do the Liberace, with the hair of a 22-year-old and the face of a cliff face."

"You’re going to hear the word adaptation a lot more. We still have to try and ‘mitigate’ — stop things going from bad to worse. But we’re also going to have to ‘adapt’ — live with bad."

The World GAA Games shows our columnist the heart and enduring power of our island's national sports

"I have actual dreams where we find a hitherto unused basement, but then I wake up and the vice grips are still stored next to the tea."

I've covered around 100 kilometres around the city with my two kids on the back of this longtail bike