Awards honour gene pool drownings for saving the descent of Man

WHEN confronted by bees, trains and trees some of us with less brain power than the average gnat just don’t stand a chance.

The stupidity of the human race has once again been revealed by those dedicated sleuths behind the Darwin Awards.

The awards are given posthumously to people who have “improved our gene pool by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways”.

One of the contenders for a Darwin 2002 Award is a farmer in Brazil who decided to burn a beehive out of his orange tree and came up with a cunning plan to protect his head from bee stings. He sealed a plastic bag tightly around his neck. The only problem was he forgot to put breathing holes in the bag and died.

Or how about the man in the US who was struck and killed by a train while calling for help after his car broke down. The train engineer spotted him standing on the tracks, holding his mobile phone to one ear and cupping his hand to the other ear trying and block out the noise of the on-coming train.

A tree trimmer in England decided to save time and throw the pruned branches directly into a fire he built near the base of the tree. Predictably, the tree caught fire, putting an end to any more time-saving innovations.

Another heavyweight contender for an award has to be the Ukrainian man who, while out walking his dog, threw a live hand grenade at a police cadet when the officer tried to point out that the dog should be leashed and muzzled. Being well-trained, the dog immediately ran to fetch the grenade and both he and his master shared the same messy fate.

Another Brazilian is also in with a chance of winning. On New Year’s Eve, after enjoying some traditional liquor with friends, they began competing to see who could hold a lit firework in his mouth the longest.

Antonio won, biting a firework a bit too long, and thereby earning praise for his “courage” at his funeral.

The tale of Gerald from Colorado is also a sober warning. Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, but decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. During the chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder.

While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.

You can vote for your favourite tale of misguided woe on line at www.darwinawards.com.