Spurs may need a mallet and a cupboard to keep Bale

It is a most curious conundrum. The better Gareth Bale plays, the less likely it is that he will stay at Tottenham.

After a phenomenal performance against Newcastle United, his chances of remaining at White Hart Lane were officially downgraded from ‘as likely as a snowball lasting the day in hell’ to ‘as likely as finding beef in a 99p lasagne.’ If he carries on performing at this level, hitting him over the head with a mallet and locking him in a cupboard may be the only way Tottenham can retain his services.

There was a time when it was easy to mock the frothing hyperbole that surrounded Bale. In the days that followed the public evisceration of hapless Internazionale full-back Maicon, the Welshman was giddily compared to Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi, breathlessly dubbed the greatest left winger on the planet. He wasn’t, of course. He was a young man only just beginning to show his potential in a relatively new position. “When he’s doing it week in, week out, then we’ll call him the greatest left winger on the planet,” we laughed cynically. Well, he’s doing it week in, week out now. It doesn’t matter if he plays on the left or in the centre. He seems unstoppable. This is no flash in the pan, no brief purple patch. This is a footballer at the very top of his game.