Reality back with bang in studio

Ominously, divisions in the Irish set-up were evident early in the evening. Tony ‘Woodward’ O’Donoghue and George ‘Bernstein’ Hamilton being persecuted for their craft.

In Gdansk, Tony had the inside track on Simon Cox’s selection but wasn’t giving up Deep Throat to Bill O’Herlihy. “I wouldn’t like to say who, but somebody very close to the Irish camp.”

Cue consternation back in Dublin, where the Dunphy Tribunal rejected the evidence as unreliable. “That’s just not credible.” Liam Brady would follow Eamo to the end of the earth for an argument, but in a game of Pros v Journos, he’d always stand firm alongside his old sparring partner.

“We hear about sources. George Hamilton told us Di Matteo wasn’t going to get that Chelsea job. He got it yesterday.”

Soon, when Cox was confirmed, there were no apologies for their connected colleague. Instead, the lads settled in for a technical discussion on the mysteries of the metaphysical world.

“Some things are inexplicable in rational terms,” explained Eamo to John Giles. “You are an extremely rational person, which is wonderful.” The look on his face suggested Gilesy wasn’t taking this compliment entirely on its merits.

They were talking about Croatia’s hoodoo over Italy, but they would soon trust our fate too to things we can never understand.

First, there was a stab at tackling the maths. “I’d give us a sporting 30% chance of getting a point,” calculated Eamo. Brady will always give you that extra few percent when you’re dealing in glumness. “75% that Spain will win.”

Conveniently, we have an official ambassador to the metaphysical world now and our new President was called upon to make contact.

“I would hesitate to offer Giovanni any advice. They would say keep it cool, but allow it to be wild if necessary. Something collective is happening. The people of the country will be behind them.”

That sounded close enough to ‘moral courage’ for Gilesy and he was content to give rationality the evening off.

“There have been stranger results. Go out with a bit of hope and do the best you can.”

Billo was on board with that: “It’s time to cross your fingers on both hands.”

Over to the BGE Arena then, where the metaphysics immediately let us down — the 3 sponsorship jinx struck again. This time, three minutes in, there were 30,000 George Hamiltons to blame. “You’ll never beat the Ir…” Enough to lift whatever spiritual funk had been lodged on Nando Torres’ shoulders.

We settled in for a siege. “There’s a reason Spain keep the ball,” suggested Ronnie Whelan, as if he’d uncovered documents unavailable to any Irish manager for some time. Cue another botched passing movement. If this was Ronnie Whelan’s boozer, he’d soon be imposing a ban on green shirts. “Ah, the difference in clientele.”

“We seem to have left our brains in the dressing room.”

Over on ITV, Jim Beglin was taking pity on Keith Andrews, who seemed, at that point, to be playing Spain on his own. “It’s clumsy there, but we know his heart is in the right place.” But were his feet?

At half-time, Roy Keane had some helpful, practical advice for his old muckers. “The referee, obviously, officially starts the game, but the players have to be ready before that.”

No recriminations in Montrose. “It was always going to be this way,” said Liam Brady. “These are brilliant.”

Sure enough, the referee started the second half too but we were soon pining once more for the salad days of Opel and Eircom. Three minutes in and it was over.

“Mission impossible,” sighed George. From there to the end there was only acceptance.

“They’ll have to get by without us,” said George at the finish. “The dream has died in Gdansk.”

Michael D’s collective hadn’t quite been enough, but it still made its presence felt long after hope had evaporated in the Polish night.

“My abiding memories of Ireland at the Euros will be the singing. At 4-0 down. It’s quite emotional I think,” reflected Bill O’Herlihy.

“There are no recriminations,” said Eamo, sensing this wasn’t yet his stage. “It’s a sad night for the football community in Ireland. We’ve been beaten by an outstanding side. Players that will live on in the history of the game.”

Gilesy had been coaxed away from rationality against his will and you felt it would be a while before anybody achieved something like that again.

“Not a surprise. Before the game we all wanted to be optimistic, but we knew. That’s the way they play all the time. Things didn’t go our way. But we just weren’t good enough. What happened in the end was inevitable.

“Everything was fingers crossed, but the Spanish were too good.”