Hyping transfer window pain

THE earnest young reporter who screamed “Everton fans, this is what you’ve been waiting for” as an unheard-of player from an unpronounceable club was linked with a loan move to Goodison will tell you otherwise; but transfer deadline day has rapidly become just another agonising parade of meaningless hype.

It’s 24 hours of artificial tension and enforced hyperbole punctuated by high-octane but low-interest newsflashes from empty training grounds whipped supporters into a frenzy on Sky Sports ahead of the big 11pm deadline last night.

Online, fans texted mysterious sightings of players and their agents as if they were UFOs — which they might well have been.

And on Twitter even the arrival of little green men could not have created more fervour than the sight of Peter Crouch in a helicopter heading for Stoke or rumours of Daniel Sturridge arriving outside Liverpool’s Melwood training ground (which he wasn’t).

Even players themselves took to the Twitterverse, disseminating misinformation almost mischievously.

This is what football has become; it’s the dark side of the shiny coin that made the Football League into the Premier League, turned terracing into seating and swapped blazers for Glazers.

Originally the transfer window was created to regulate and control the market; to prevent super-rich clubs buying players whenever they fancied, maybe just to survive an upcoming fixture or even to prevent rivals buying them instead. But instead it has simply created an over-inflated artificial market in which only the rich clubs can really survive; and in which clubs like Everton live in fear of being stung at the last minute by a big-money offer from a rival; which is exactly what happened yesterday as Arsenal bidded frantically for Mikel Arteta.

Meanwhile the never-ending hype that surrounds the game has attached itself to transfer deadline day, turning it into an ‘event’ an ‘occasion’ regardless of the fact that well-organised and well-run clubs rarely do their major business on a day when panic-buying comes with an inflated price tag and a no-returns clause.

The only clubs doing serious business yesterday were two who could claim extenuating circumstances; Arsenal, a club in crisis, and QPR, a club with new owners and requiring at least nine new players to stand any chance staying in the Premier League.

Not that you would have guessed it from the drama sweeping television and computer screens across Europe as an inexplicable auction for the services of Yossi Benayoun gripped the world of football.

Unfortunately, this kind of hype has been seeping into the English game for years and has almost become part of the brand.

You can see in the build-up to matches when half-hearted cheerleaders shiver in arctic conditions in December attempting to turn Wigan v Everton into a ‘spectacle’.

You can see it at the Carling Cup final as fireworks fizz into the sky as the trophy is presented, almost as if a rocket and a Catherine Wheel will make winning the tournament more exciting. And you can see it even at the FA Cup Final when the Wembley tannoy is turned up so loud that fans can no longer create the atmosphere themselves.

It’s all designed to make football more exciting, a kind of on-screen version of the Mexican wave. But anyone who watched Manchester United 8 Arsenal 2, or who felt the stands shake at Anfield when Liverpool beat Chelsea in the Champions League or who sat in amazement watching Manchester City fans do the Poznan can tell you football really doesn’t need it.

Football is not like American sports, we don’t need a hotdog every five minutes and a Diana Ross concert in the middle to make it interesting. This is a sport that has the power to grip you from start to finish, to completely immerse you in the drama like an Oscar-winning film.

There should be no need for cheerleaders, Mexican waves, fireworks, pumping music and maniacal match announcers. And there should be no need for pay-per-view transfer deadline days, either.

Premier League managers seem to agree; most will tell you the transfer window is outdated, unnecessary and unhelpful — and most chairmen will tell you it creates an artificial market that is unsustainable. But that won’t make any difference, of course. The transfer window may not work for managers but it works for football; creating interest, selling airtime and increasing profile.

So regardless of whether the 24-hour hype drove you insane, transfer deadline day is here to stay.

The next one, in fact, opens in just 122 days’ time.

Panic is already setting in at Goodison Park.