Sand and soccer — a very Special Brew

MEMO to the Sports Editor From The Football Correspondent: Dear Commander in Chief, I popped in to see you this morning only to find that, not for the first time, you were slumbering peacefully at your desk, worn out after another long nocturnal shift at the coalface.

It was a touching scene, the fine strands of your ancient gossamer beard rising and falling softly with each breath, your hand still cradling the tin of Special Brew which you had doubtless confiscated from one of the subs whose commitment to the cause is so much less than your own.

Not wishing to disturb you, oh king of kings, I simply stood in silence for a while, lost in admiration for the exquisite shape of your skull and pondering, with no little awe, the scintillating contents — now briefly stilled — contained within (also, please note that before tip-toeing away, I left your daily bottle of Gaviston in the drawer and your newly polished shoes under your desk. I trust all is to your satisfaction).

The reason I wanted to see you, my liege, is best explained if I simply reproduce the following email which popped up in my inbox this morning. It reads: “Media accreditation process for FIFA Beach Soccer World Cup Ravenna/Italy 2011 launched. FIFA is pleased to announce that the media accreditation process via the FIFA Media Channel for the FIFA Beach Soccer World Cup in Ravenna, Italy from 1 to 11 September 2011 has opened. The deadline for accreditation applications is Monday, 8 August 2011”.

And, yes, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I suspect I know what your response will be on reading those words: “Looks like we’ve got a big one brewing here, people — get me Scoop Mackey on the blower, pronto.”

My sentiments entirely, oh fragrant one.

Of course, I can see how others might not share your enthusiasm. The average bean counter, for example, could never be expected to understand an outside-the-box, going-forward, blue-sky thinker such as yourself. And let’s face it, if beach football isn’t all about blue sky thinking, then what is, eh? Sadly and all too predictably, however, I can already hear the dreary drone of solemn objections: era of austerity, blah, blah, urgent need for belt-tightening, blah, blah, no time for frivolous spending, blah, blah, has the silly season come early or what? blah, blah.

Thankfully, you and I are made of better stuff than to be diverted by such piffling nickel and dime concerns but, still, I acknowledge that, in the present unhappy national climate, it might be prudent to outline some cogent reasons why our coverage of the Beach Soccer World Cup in Italy in September (by me) should be green-lighted immediately and no further questions asked, thanks very much all the same.

After at least a full minute’s consideration, I have come up with three. No, hang on, four.

1. Acclimatisation for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. Saw a fella on the Beeb the other night in a stadium in Qatar crouched down next to a huge vent which he said was blowing pleasantly cool air across the pitch. So much for the cynics who questioned good old Sepp’s judgment on this one, even if it has also recently been suggested that temperatures in high summer there might be so brutally high as to necessitate an extra interval being inserted into every 90 minutes of action in 2022. Big deal. We all recognise that a game of two halves is a cliché by now, so why not swap it for a game of three thirds?

Meantime, we can treat the Beach Soccer finals as a warm-up, in every sense. As you yourself so brilliantly remarked that time to Yer Man: fail to prepare, prepare to fail (did he ever give you any credit for that one, by the way? Thought not).

2. Sand. Yes, sand. We don’t think about it very much, do we, and especially not in the context of football? This is a major oversight, in my opinion. If, as global warming suggests, it’s going to be the surface of the future, then we need to know all we can about it. And more. Remember El Tel’s ‘They Used To Play On Grass’? How far-seeing does that look now? I regard the Beach Football World Cup as an ideal opportunity to have a comprehensive look at sand in all its essential sandiness.

3. Towards An Irish Bid. My presence in Ravenna in September could be the platform on which to launch an Irish Examiner campaign to bring the Beach Soccer World Cup to Ireland. We already have plenty of venues, in the form of our excellent Blue Flag beaches, and all those bucket seats left over from Lansdowne must be stashed away somewhere.

Okay, our traditional Irish summer weather might startle devotees but, on the other hand, the sight of those lithe Brazilians getting lashed out of it by the rain and wind in Brittas Bay would surely be an international TV ratings winner. !

4. I was going to write ‘Because I need to top up my tan’ but let’s not trivialise a serious issue with juvenile humour, shall we? Anyway, I think I have already made an unanswerable case and now simply await the expected nod from your greatness before I get back to my good buddies in FIFA and tell them to reserve that towel on the beach for me. Er, I mean, place in the press box.

So what say you, master? Shall I prepare to go and write them on the beaches? Or shall I just get my coat?

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