No parallels in game of two halves
A stickler for punctuality, Eamon Dunphy was pulling out of the station. “England haven’t done all that much since the goal. They don’t look themselves, they look uptight. It will be scramble over the line job against a very poor side.” Conductor Whelan agreed: “They didn’t kick on. I think they got worse after the goal.”
Unfortunately for tardy Gwyn, her life quickly unravelled and so too it seems has Wayne Rooney’s. “Things are not right. How do you reduce Rooney to a shivering wreck?” Eamo felt that fear factor had replaced X-Factor as the pulse of a once-great nation. “Don’t forget Rob Green; his life is over, in a certain kind of way.”
Over on the BBC, parallel England had slipped comfortably through the sliding doors and were already cruising through the part of the movie where Gwyneth gets a foxy new haircut, a fancy fella and all is well with the world.
“England excellent since they scored the goal,” beamed Hansen. “Much more comfortable; passing with pace, passing with purpose,” creosoted Shearer. Impatient Lineker was already fast-forwarding to see the ending. “The result of the USA game, of course, only makes a difference to who wins the group – which would be an easier path to the semi-finals.”
Earlier in Montrose, we’d had the familiar pre-match warm-up. The usual 20 minutes dissection of how poor England are; no fluency, no coherence, no playmakers, no pressing, no plan, was the thrust of the Giles-Whelan-Dunphy thesis. Followed, naturally, by a firm assertion that England would almost certainly win. Better the devil you know. Shearer and co had been bullish too but you sensed nerves. Brian Blessed was unleashed to deliver a rousing call to arms for “Fabio, England and St George.” You had a feeling this tape hadn’t been due in the machine for at least another week.
Ray Houghton’s worry was what the red rag might do to John Bull. “Teams wearing red are more aggressive,” suggested Gok Hamilton.
As a tense evening wore on, the smell of fear from a nearby gantry may have become ever more palpable, as Lawro developed more prosaic concerns: “Watching England is sometimes a cure for constipation.” “This is unbearable,” yelped Guy Mowbray beside him at one point, hopefully in response to another Rooney miss.
His “Jermaine Defoe is not a big-game player,” might have cuffed one hostage to fortune, but Eamo’s vision of a scramble over the line duly materialised as England players lined up to take it into the corners.
They were nearly there. “It’s beginning to sound like a night at the Proms,” marvelled George as “Britons never never shall be slaves,” rang out, a sensitive nod to their hosts.
At the whistle, it was Gabby Logan who took over from Paltrow, throwing a few handy ones to Fabio and foxy enough to impress Gilesy. “She seemed to be a very attractive girl. Maybe that’s why she’s doing the interviews.”
“They played with freedom?” suggested Gabby. “Yes, I prayed for freedom,” countered Fabio, eyeing the press box nervously. “Very, very, very good,” claimed Lawro, adjectival diarrhoea his latest problem.
While Eamo and Gilesy may forget now how pleased they were after Romania in ‘90 despite Gheorghe Hagi and his 200 shots, Shearer and co had earned a moment’s celebration.
But fortunes hadn’t improved for RTÉ Gwyn. “Scraped through really,” sniffed Gilesy. “The England performance was absolutely, incredibly bad,” smirked Eamon.
Anyone who made it all the way through Sliding Doors may recall that foxy, train-catching Gwyneth eventually met a premature Waterloo, while her miserable alter-ego lived happily ever after – or at least long after poor Rob Green.
Dunphy, unlike Lineker, is happy to let the story unfold. “Let’s keep this soap opera going.”
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