The mother of all rants

MY FAVOURITE story about Joe Kinnear and the media used to be the one about the London journalist interviewing him during the brief period when he was manager of the Nepalese football team.

As if the setting wasn’t exotic enough, the hack added an even more jaw-dropping dimension to the appointment when he reported that the former Irish international was speaking to him “from his office overlooking Mount Everest.”

Talk about the highest office in the land. (And, just by the way, the same hack is said to have once begun a report from a trip to Israel with the words: “Bethlehem, birthplace of the legendary Jesus Christ . . . ”)

Anyway, I say that this used to be my favourite Joe Kinnear media yarn because, as you might just possibly have heard by now, it has been overtaken by the mother of all rants which he delivered at what was only his first official press conference as Newcastle United interim manager on Thursday.

The background was Kinnear’s arrival at a place on the football map which makes the idea of taking training in the shadows of the Himalayas seem positively normal. And, sure enough, barely had Kinnear settled into his chair at the dysfunctional club the other dysfunctional clubs call ‘The Guvnor’, than the temporary gaffer found himself in an all-out war with the hacks.

On what was his first full day in the job, last Monday, Kinnear had reportedly given his squad the day off so that he could hold discussions with the coaching staff. But that’s not exactly how the decision was reported in the press, as can gleaned by one tabloid headline which blared: “I’m Joe Kinnear, there’s no-one ‘ere.”

Come the press conference, and Kinnear’s retaliation was swift, heavy and, so help me, hilarious. Even a partial transcription of proceedings requires such extensive use of asterisks that I’ve had to borrow a few from the FAI stockpile marked “For Use In League Of Ireland Club Licensing Emergencies Only”.

Herewith, a few edited highlights.

Kinnear to named journalist: “You’re a c**t.” To another named journalist: “You are out of order. Absolutely f**king out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can f**k off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that f**king crap. No f**king way. Lies. F**k, you’re saying I turned up and they (the players) f**ked off.”

One journalist suggests that, if he got a new job, he wouldn’t call up his boss to tell him he was taking the first day off.

Not surprisingly, Kinnear begs to differ: “It is none of your f**king business. What the f**k are you going to do? You ain’t got the b**ls to be a f**king manager. F**king day off..”

All this was really by way of a little warm-up, the hacks responding with the traditional defence: we don’t write the headlines.

This appeared to cut little ice with Joe, who responded with the traditional gaffer’s attack: you’re delighted we’re getting beaten.

Then came the threat to haul in m’learned friends though, once again, Joe steered clear of unnecessary legalese.

Or, as he chose to put it: “It is going to my f**king lawyers...I am not f**king about. I don’t talk to f**king anybody. It is raking up stories. You are f**king so f**king slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of . . ”

After further bruising exchanges, a Newcastle press officer attempted an heroic but under the circumstances patently doomed intervention: “What has been said in here is off the record and doesn’t go outside.”

However, a bit later, a journalist sought clarification on this point from the manager: “Today, we’ll print the absolute truth, that you think we’re c**ts, we can all f**k off and we’re slimy. Is that fair enough?”

To which Kinnear gave his assent: “Do it. Fine. F**king print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it’ll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.”

However, the best exchange is kept ‘till last. After further pleading from the poor press officer (“Come on, let’s go football”), a co-operative hack finally asks how training is going. Very well, Joe replies, no problems at all.

“Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?” the hack asks.

“Absolutely,” purrs Joe, “I’ve loved every minute of it.”

You couldn’t make it up. And there was you thinking that Kev’s “Love it” rant was just about as high-octane as a manager of Newcastle could ever get? That famous outburst, you’ll recall, was directed at Alex Ferguson who, coincidentally, also gave the dreaded meeja a blast of the hairdryer earlier this week.

Having apparently stored up anger over how comments he’d made on a pre-season tour about Chelsea were reported back home – he’d questioned how much improvement could be made by players of 30 and over, an observation which turned into ‘Chelsea are too old’ on the back pages – the Man United boss used his team’s Champions League trip to Denmark to hit back.

“I gave you access in South Africa and I shouldn’t have given you access,” he told a press conference. “It won’t happen again. From now on, no matter how many miles you travel to get an interview, you won’t get one.”

I’d imagine Fergie isn’t the only gaffer this morning feeling some sympathy for Joe Kinnear.

Or J*e K*****r as he’ll have to be known from here on in.

‘I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I’m ridiculed for no reason. I’m defenceless’

Below is an edited transcript of Thursday’s bizarre press conference at Newcastle.

Joe Kinnear: Which one is Simon Bird (Daily Mirror)?

Simon Bird: Me.

JK: You’re a cunt.

SB: Thank you.

JK: Which one is Hickman (Niall, Daily Express)? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you, you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies.

Joe Kinnear: Fuck, you’re saying I turned up and they (Newcastle’s players) fucked off.

SB: No Joe, have you read it, it doesn’t say that.

JK: I’ve fucking read it, I’ve read it.

SB: It doesn’t say that. Have you read it?

JK: You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB: You read the copy? It doesn’t say that you didn’t know.

JK: What about the headline, you think that’s a good headline?

SB: I didn’t write the headline, you read the copy.

JK: You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB: So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn’t. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK: It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain’t got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB: No, you can listen to who you want.

JK: I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB: Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK: No, no, no. I didn’t want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB: What? More important things?

JK: What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off. I can’t trust any of you.

Niall Hickman: Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in.

JK: My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much info out of them.

NH: But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK: I’m not going to tell you anything. I don’t understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are?

NH: Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK: I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level ... (but) you will find some cunt that ...

Other Journalist: How long is your contract for Joe?

JK: None of your business.

SB: Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don’t know ...

JK: I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That’s it finished. I don’t know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He’s trying to fucking hide, he’s trying to do this or that.

Steve Brenner (The Sun): We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK: Don’t trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain’t coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I’m ridiculed for no reason. I’m defenceless.”

Journalist: It’s only been a week.

JK: Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist: It’s early days for you to be like this.

JK: No, I’m clearing the air. And this is the last time I’m going to speak to you.

Journalist: Today we’ll print the absolute truth, that you think we’re cunts, we can all fuck off and we’re slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK: Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it’ll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Journalist: (trying to calm things down, apparently): What are your plans for training in the next three days? How’s the training going?

JK: It’s going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist: Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK: Absolutely. I’ve loved every moment of it.