The pyjamaship: Eight sides to put you to sleep
A lack of finance to compete in the transfer market has left Stuart Pearce reliant on the ageing legs of Paul Dickov, Dietmar Hamann, Bennado Corradi and Trevor Sinclair. Their experiences masks an inability to play a high-energy game, however, and City’s recent 0-0 draw at home to Watford summed up the lack of flair within the City squad.
Joey Barton is their star player, but the midfielder is rated for his energy rather than his footballing brain. Goals are thin on the ground, as is entertainment value, and the days of Shaun Wright-Phillips are now long gone.
Even manager Adrian Boothroyd, that master of positive thinking, is running out of ways to make his side’s insipid displays sound anything more than the mind-numbing mediocrity they have been so far this season.
A dour struggle for survival has become increasingly insomnia-busting, with the Hornets averaging a Premiership goal almost every two-and-a-half hours, which wouldn’t be so depressing were it not coupled with a strong defence which rarely concedes. They could at least have the decency to ship a bagful of goals on a more regular basis to make up for the lack of action at the other end.
Like many of their fellow clubs in this list of shame, Charlton’s ineptitude shouldn’t mistaken for their ability to bore.
They’d love to be the Premiership’s great entertainers, but any side relying on Marcus Bent to chip in with goals is always going to be in trouble when it comes to providing value for money.
Take Darren Bent out of the equation and the London club would be even higher up in the watching paint dry stakes. Might benefit from a season walloping sub-standard Championship opposition to get their mojo back.
Fulham are to the Premiership what that boring geek from accounts is to the office Christmas party — to be avoided at all costs for anyone in search of fun.
In mitigation, when your sole aim each season is survival, a Harlem Globetrotters mindset is never going to be an option. Rarely seen at their best away from Craven Cottage, the London club are notoriously bad travellers, sharing the misery of their cautious approach around the country — in contrast to many of their home displays, some of which have bordered on the mildly interesting.
Despite rarely seeing eye to eye with Steve McClaren during the former manager’s five-year reign, Gareth Southgate has confidently continued the tradition of tedious football at the Riverside.
Often employing a single striker in home games, the new Middlesbrough manager has already in his short time at the helm shown a startling lack of ambition.
The ultra-negative approach hasn’t gone un-noticed by supporters. The last home game against Wigan Athletic attracted Middlesbrough's lowest-ever Premiership crowd to the Riverside Stadium.
Mark Hughes’s team have the ability to entertain on their day, but they rely too heavily on the creative skills of the ageing Turkish playmaker Tugay.
At 36, the former Rangers midfielder is the heartbeat of the Rovers team, but when he is not in the starting line-up, Blackburn quickly resort to long-ball tactics in an effort to provide service to front pair Benni McCarthy and Shabani Nonda. Hughes bristles at the suggestion that his team are more belligerent than beautiful, but the Ewood Park attendances suggest that Rovers are hardly an exciting proposition.
The off-the-field intrigue at Upton Park has failed to be replicated on the pitch, West Ham’s stunning ineptitude in front of goal — just 10 from 17 Premiership matches so far — ultimately cost Alan Pardew his job.
West Ham have been not so much boring but largely gutless in many of their outings so far, exhibiting a shocking lack of pride in their performances.
It promises to be a brief stay back in the big time unless they up the entertainment and up the commitment.
Neil Warnock sides are not renowned for attractive football and flair and Sheffield United are no different. Built on the philosophy of hard work and determination, the Blades will hope to survive in the top flight this season by kicking and fighting their way to enough points for safety.
It is hardly surprising that no-nonsense defender Chris Morgan is club captain and an integral member of Warnock’s defence. He personifies what Warnock is all about in terms of his approach to the game, while fellow centre-half Claude Davies is another big and strong defender who relies on muscle rather than skill.
It seems the Blades’ best weapon is a direct approach. It might not be pretty, but if it works and the Blades stay up then Warnock won’t care one jot.
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