You can fool some of the people...

GAA 1, Soccer 0 — that’s the scoreline when it comes to knowing a merry prankster when they see one.

Ten years ago, Michael Nugent joined forces with journalist Sam Smyth to write the 'Dear Me' letters, a series of spoofs in the style of the great Henry Root, which elicited all kinds of unintentionally comic responses from the great and the not so good.

Now Nugent, by his own description "an incurable supporter of Bohemians and Leeds United" is there any other kind? is back with a solo run, 'Absurdly Yours', published by Blackwater Press.

Politicians, judges, artists, business people and foreign

dignitaries are in the firing line as Nugent, using various pseudonyms and addresses, pitches a series of outlandish proposals, ranging from planes without seats (for Michael O'Leary) to scaffolding on Mount Everest (the Nepalese Government responds it would be "inappropriate").

Sport is not overlooked, as one Dr Robert O'Carroll fires off a bunch of missives to the chief executives of Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester United, the FA and the FAI on the exciting subject of a new invention, "the left-footed football."

"I am a football fan who works professionally in the field of physics," the doctor begins, "and I have devised a method to maximise the spin on a ball when bending a free-kick."

Employing a fetching brand of pseudo-science, O'Carroll explains he has a patent pending on a unique lining for a standard football which by "either enhancing or countering the curve generated by the outer Magnus Effect" will create, in effect, a left-footed or right-footed football.

"The impact is significant enough for top athletes to gain measurable competitive advantage," he writes, "on the training pitch, until the lining is officially approved for matches. Please let me know if you would like to see my research."

From Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester United and the FA, Dr O'Carroll receives variations on the theme of thanks but no thanks although the Gunners say they will pass on his correspondence to Nike. By contrast, the most courteous, encouraging and prompt response comes from the FAI, in the personage of their then Chief Executive Officer, Mr Fran Rooney.

"Dear Dr O'Carroll," he writes back, on May 4 of this year, "I would like to thank you for your letter which I received this morning. Your research sounds intriguing and I am forwarding a copy of your correspondence to our Technical Director Mr Packie Bonner. I note you have a patent pending on your invention and I would like to wish you every success with your venture. In the meantime, if I can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me."

Sadly, that was the last Mr Rooney would hear of Dr O'Carroll and, indeed, it would not be too long before Fran himself would go the way of the left-footed football. Michael Nugent has the last word: "Note that Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea, the FA and the FAI all seem to have overlooked the disadvantages of trying to play a full football match using a left-footed football."

Mind you, in light of David Beckham's form at Real Madrid, Dr O'Carroll's invention may be undergoing trials at the Bernabeu.

While the FAI took the bait, Nugent discovered he'd have to be up writing early in the morning to catch out the GAA.

One Jimmy Roche writes to the GAA President on how "the exhilarating melee" is one of the main reasons why Gaelic games are the most exciting in the world.

"So here is my idea," he says. "I have a tooth that I found on the pitch after this year's Munster hurling semi-final. Based on where I found it, I suspect it used to belong to Limerick captain TJ Ryan or Cork's Jonathan O'Callaghan. I assume it was dislodged during their exciting clash early in the game.

"When I got home, I put it in a jewellery case I borrowed from my wife, and labelled it: 'Real Men Play GAA'. I now carry it everywhere with great pride.I regularly take it out when televised soccer games show sissy millionaires rolling in agony when tripped up by other sissy millionaires."

Jimmy then gets to the point there must be more such memorabilia around the country, which could make for a sensational display in the GAA museum at Croke Park.

"I can collect match reports, photographs, bandages, medical records etc," he enthuses.

"Any memorabilia of Real Men, playing on normally despite physical injury, will perfectly capture the spirit I am trying to convey."

The reply from the GAA, penned by PRO Danny Lynch, is short and to the point.

It reads: "Dear Mr Roche, the President has asked me to refer to your letter in regard to your 'collection'.

"He has said that, even though he is a Kerryman, he can detect a wind up from 1,000 yards."

By the way, 'Absurdly Yours' concludes with a top 10 of the greatest ever pranks, as chosen by Nugent.

At the book's launch in Dublin, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny saluted the choice of the following at Number 1.

On April 1, 1992, passengers descending into Los Angeles Airport looked out the window to see an 85-foot banner spread on the ground of the nearby Hollywood Park racetrack. In 20-foot high letters, the banner read: "Welcome to Chicago."

Imagine if Keano was on that plane!