Gazing into footie’s crystal ball

In Scotland, Celtic win the league. Or else Rangers win it. Nobody cares anymore, says Liam Mackey.

AS IS now traditional on the time that’s in it - ie we got away with it last year - it’s time to inflate the crystal ball and see what footie has in store for us in 2005.

Passing our hands over the sphere but not touching it (we were taught the technique by the great mystic David James), a flickering image of a man behind a microphone swims into view.

It can mean only one thing: strap yourselves in, here are some of the new generation of teeth-grating cliches we are destined to hear, again and again, over the next 12 months: “He has quick feet;” “he digs it out from under his feet;” “he gets turned;” “he has only one thing on his mind” (oh yeah? A professional footballer?); “the wall...” - c’mon, you must know the next bit - “...did its job.”

And, a new favourite: “Oh dear me, I think Wayne Rooney could be in trouble here.” And here are some commentating cliches we are unlikely to hear in 2005: “lollipop;” “eyebrows;” “crowd scene;” “spotter’s badge;” “Stratford Upon Avon job;” and “lazy, thick ...” - you know the rest.

The BBC’s recent documentary ‘What Ron Said...’ - a brave but doomed attempt to let Ron Atkinson see the magnitude of the error of his ways - confirmed that the best advice Big Ron could heed in 2005 would simply be: whatever you say, say nothing.

Back to the all-seeing ball and the revelation that all four English clubs are eliminated from the Champions’ League. This causes an outbreak of deep soul-searching, trenchant self-examination and plaintive breast-beating about the state of the national game in Blighty which lasts, oh, at least three days, until Sky Sports cheers everyone up with a Ford Super Sunday spectacular.

“We’ve heard a lot of negative stuff about the domestic game over the last few days, Richard,” says Andy Gray, “but I’d defy anyone tae find a more honest, competitive and exciting game of football anywhere in the world than the one we’ve been privileged tae witness here today at Carrow Road between Norwich and West Brom.” “Amen to that, Andy,” says Richard, “and don’t let anyone be misled by the fact that this literally enthralling encounter ended scoreless.”

Meanwhile, at home, the eircom league is rocked by the news that a Russian tycoon who has made billions in the refrigeration business - a fridge magnate, if you will - has bought Shelbourne FC. The first sign of the Real Reds Revolution comes when, at half-time in their match with Shamrock Rovers, Roddy Collins switches sides to take over the team now widely known as Shelski.

Confirming their growing reputation as the galacticos of Irish football, preparations for Shels’ top of the table clash with Cork City are boosted when Collins announces the purchase of the entire City first team.

In England, the resumption of hostilities between Arsenal and Manchester United lives up to expectations when Wayne Rooney fells Robert Pires with a baseball bat in an off the ball incident. Refusing to condemn his player - “Nobody has said anything about Sol Campbell clearly pulling a gun on Ruud Van Nistelrooy” - Alex Ferguson opts to blame society.

Arsene Wenger points the finger at Van Nistelrooy for going down too easily. “It was only a flesh wound,” he protests.

Everton win the Premiership but the world of football flatly refuses to recognise them as champions, on the grounds that they are not Chelsea, Arsenal or Manchester United. In the FA Cup, Kevin Keegan resigns after Manchester City are beaten 10-9 by Bristol Rovers. Arsenal Under-11’s win the Carling Cup.

Departing from the time-honoured tradition of having an international football celebrity as the guest speaker, the FAI invites Professor Stephen Hawking to address their annual awards ceremony on the subject of ‘How Long Is A Piece Of String?’

His four-hour presentation, complete with flip charts, examples of advanced calculus and references to string theory, is generally well-received.

Although one eircom league representative is heard to remark: “Impressive, sure, but I bet he still couldn’t explain the Club Licensing Scheme.”

Meanwhile, there is a sensational development with the appointment of Michael O’Leary as the new Chief Executive of the FAI.

The first effects of his radical overhaul of the association become apparent when the Irish team land in Malta for their match against Cyprus. Players now also have to carry their own luggage and buy their own in-flight food.

However, they do increase their chances of winning on Lotto scratch cards. Roy Keane retires.

In England, the News of the World reveals that David Beckham and Sven-Goran Eriksson have been having a passionate affair.

Nobody cares anymore.

In Scotland, Celtic win the league. Or else Rangers win it. Nobody cares anymore.

And back on the road to the World Cup in Germany, Brian Kerr’s men secure automatic World Cup qualification by winning all their remaining games in Group 4.

Which is not so much a prediction as a wish - an extra one to go along with this column’s wishes for a happy new year to one and all.