Champions League? Don’t make me laugh!

YOU can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time.

42,000 Liverpool fans turned up at Anfield last week because they really thought their team was in danger of an early European exit.

Chalk one up for the English education system.

There was furious debate over how the Reds managed such a turnout. Some thought it was an illusion involving trick mirrors. Others said we'd borrowed Arsenal's North Bank mural from the early '90's.

Whatever happened, Liverpool reached Round 2 with more than a bit to spare.

As the rest of the competition looms unappetisingly before us, it's hard to define what's actually in it for us. The UEFA Cup produces one almighty shrug nowadays.

Just check the names of the first round fodder: Shakhtar, Publikum, Cementarnika, Zeljeznicar. Sartid, Leiria, Matador Ruchov.

Have you any idea where these clubs come from? You do? Really? Impressive.

Just a thought: ever considered colonic irrigation? I mean, anal retentiveness is one thing but yours sounds a tad painful.

I assume Irish Reds regularly do battle with their Manc counterparts (verbally, I trust), but even if Liverpool won this trophy and who'd bet on it? United won't care.

It's a tournament no-one with ambition wants to enter, so where's the glory in winning the thing? Of course, the club may be crafty. They may be about to release a new board, Football Scrabble, so our European exertions will give us all an advantage.

Imagine playing with your six-toed, no-thumb chums. As they put down Real Madrid or Bayern Munich, you race into the lead with Crvena Zvezda and Viktoria Zizkov.

In times like these you must grab your consolations, however lame, wherever you can.

Liverpool beat Olimpija easily, and played some good football too. And while Emile can only score if he falls over and the ball hits him, beggars don't get to choose.

Even Biscan fancied his chances. I swear the unlikeliest of party animals even cracked a smile at one point.

Maybe he's finally got the joke? Somehow he's become a cult figure for fans grown tired of expecting ability or class for £5m.

They've settled for seeing the funny side instead. And I don't just mean the lunatic fringe he calls a haircut.

If you don't laugh you'll cry that's what Scousers are like, right? Know why it's called gallows humour? Because it comes before a bloody big pain in the neck.

Maybe Igor is Gerard's ticket to heaven? He'll meet Jesus at the Pearly Gates, and JC will brag about bringing Lazarus back from the dead.

"So what? I made Biscan a Premiership regular", and Jesus will have to open up. After all, there are miracles and there are MIRACLES.

Changing the captain won last week's 'Straw Clutching' award. Gerard's spirited defence of Sami ("I don't know why he's being singled out") lasted two whole weeks.

Liverpool fans' unerring ability to see the best in anything saw some ludicrous comparisons to the time Souness took the captaincy from Thompson.

Unkind souls pointed out there were a few titles and European Cups missing (plus a sizeable gulf in skill) from the analogy, but you know what they say don't wake a sleepwalker, it's dangerous. Let them carry on, even if they're heading for the cliff's edge.

Ljubljana had an all-white, cannon fodder, "this year's Spartak" feel to them, but even at 3-0 there was pass & move and a desire to surge forward at every opportunity.

It gave us encouragement before our next game, but sadly all Liverpool's dawns seem to be false these days.

I've waited this long to mention Saturday for a very good reason. The mere thought of it fills my heart with hatred for everybody and everything.

I still haven't calmed down. That line last week about being past caring? You saw through that in a second, right? There's not much to say anyway.

Only an idiot would claim that we deserved anything from the game, but that never seems to stop Houllier.

I haven't heard so many excuses in my life. If Mars was in conjunction with Jupiter, spelling trouble for teams that begin and end with the same letter, he'd probably use that one too.

Tired from midweek? It didn't stop City from putting six past Bolton, or Newcastle beating Boro.

And what does it say about a team with (don't laugh) Champions League ambitions? Isn't the strength to play two games a week considered an advantage? Injuries? Well okay, but that wasn't a bunch of kids we put out there.

"We had chances". The press boys will be handing him a cake soon, with one candle. It's almost a year since the "attempts at goal" smoke-screen was born.

It's stood him in good stead, he's been using it ever since. It never takes into account the opposition's squandered chances, like the one they created for Biscan to hit his own crossbar.

Ah, Igor. In midfield when the season starts, in defence for a few games, in midfield for this one. Back and forth, round and round, always ending up in the same cul-de-sac. The big cult.

One player serves as a metaphor for the team. 4-4-2 and drenched in caution. Then 4-4-2 but packed with forwards. Then 4-5-1 and Owen up front, then Heskey, then back to 4-4-2 with Sinama-Pongolle.

FIVE years on, and still the scatter-gun approach. When Tom Wolfe wrote about US Airforce pilots, the phrase "I've tried A, I've tried B, I've tried C what else can I try?" showed that a flyer had The Right Stuff.

In Gerard's case, it merely shows him thrashing about with the water up to his neck and rising all the time. And still the apologists say "keep the faith." Blind men wearing blinkers in a darkened room.