Malcolm in the middle

SINCE these troubled times for Manchester United and - to judge by the wall-to-wall news coverage - the whole world as we know it, this column feels duty-bound to try and cheer people up with a good, old-fashioned gag.

And, of course, the beauty of it is that you can’t stop me even if you’ve heard it before. So here goes: the Rev Ian Paisley suddenly lapses into a mysterious coma from which he does not emerge for 20 years. Gathered around his bed as he regains consciousness is a gaggle of nervous DUP colleagues.

“Good to have you back, sir,” says one, “but I’m afraid things have changed while you’ve been away. I have two bits of bad news and one bit of good news. First of all, I have to tell you that you are now living in a united Ireland.”