Old Firm’s exercise in SPL futility has to end

AFTER another less than emphatic week of British performances in Europe, the first question to ask is: will the Manchester United faithful be singing “Gonzalez from the half-way line” at Old Trafford tomorrow?

They should be. Remember Nayim catching out David Seaman back in 1995? Well, it was like Groundhog Night in Athens on Wednesday, when Gonzalez of Panathinaikos flummoxed the hapless Jens Lehmann with a brilliant, long-distance lob. True, “Gonzalez from the half-way line,” doesn’t quite scan but, hey, if Bob Dylan can get away with this sort of thing so, surely, can the Stretford End.

By contrast, they don’t have much to sing about at Celtic Park this week - apart from the very real prospect, of course, that they’re en route to racking up yet another SPL title. Ho hum. Celtic’s 0-3 defeat at Shakhtar Donetsk in the Champions League in midweek leaves them bottom of Group F and - double- meaning intended - pointless. In fairness to Celtic, the loss of Chris Sutton and Jackie McNamara through injury was a mortal blow on the night, but their problems run deeper than missing personnel.

Admirably, Celtic, under the inspired leadership of Martin O’Neill, have been punching above their weight in Europe for some time now, but nine goals conceded in three games in this campaign suggests they have finally hit the wall.

Again, fans will point to a fine performance before a late collapse in Milan but there can be no escaping the fact that Barcelona gave them a dizzying lesson in top class European football in Parkhead.

The big question for the future is: for how long more can they continue to thrive as a big fish in a small pool - especially when it means they risk being chewed up any time they venture out into the open sea.

The answer, however painfully it impacts emotionally in Scotland, is that it’s time for Celtic and Rangers to look south of the border. The SPL’s Lanigan’s Ball - Celtic step out and Rangers step in again - is wearying for the opposition and unhealthy for the top two. Financially, of course, it’s good for smaller clubs when the blues or the hoops come to town, but in the long run money will also dictate that the Old Firm leave home and set up shop in the Premiership.

The club’s major shareholder, Dermot Desmond, indicated as much recently.

“I think in the next three or four years we’ll see Celtic and Rangers in the Premiership,” he said. “The market will dictate that they want a more competitive Premier League and it’s obvious Celtic and Rangers should be part of that.”

Instinctively, the football fan tends to run for cover when the money men start talking, but this is a case where business sense is also common sense. Having effectively outgrown the SPL, both Celtic and Rangers need the challenge - and the huge financial boost - of life in the Premiership, if they are to stop treading water and become serious European contenders.

And the Premiership needs them too. An argument often made by people who want the Old Firm to stay put in Scotland, is that the likes of Arsenal and Manchester United exert a similarly overpowering influence on the Premiership. But under even cursory examination, that doesn’t really stand up - and not just because Chelsea must now be factored into the equation. In England, The Big Three may be the ones to beat but they’re not unassailable and - in contrast to Scotland - where Celtic are frequently runaway winners in league games, there are plenty of teams in the Premiership who can, and have, tripped up the giants.

Add Celtic and Rangers - with all their stature, history and passionate fanbase - into that mix and you have an even better, more exciting Premiership. And a genuine testing ground for the best of British before they dare to take on the best of Europe.

And now, as Monty Python used to say, for something completely different.

Aubrey Malone, an indefatigable compiler of quotes, has just produced ‘Talk Nation’, a new collection of the Irish on everything and anything. It includes, as you might expect, a section on sport, from which the following modest selection is offered by way of an appetiser.

Former Manchester United and Northern Ireland star Norman Whiteside: “The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place, play for the same club and were discovered by the same man.”

George Best: “It’s important to remember that a player as talented as David Beckham comes with a lot of baggage - most of it Louis Vuitton.”

Tony Cascarino: “There used to be a running joke that when Frank Stapleton woke up each morning, he’d race to the bathroom and smile, just to get it over with.”

And, finally, Andy Townsend: “The most embarrassing moment of my life was when Jack Charlton farted in front of Albert Reynolds and then blamed me.”