Defeat no mystery for Inspector Hook

THE Irish back-row, in the hot kitchen, with a mish-mash: this game of Cleudo carried no mysteries for Inspector Hook.

The lessons of Wellington had not been absorbed.

“The only change he was made was fly half. He denied the evidence of his own eyes,” thundered Hook.

Ruling that the coach “stands indicted”, he somehow managed to stop short of pounding his gavel.

“An incredibly callow performance from Ireland after a succession of callow performances, Australia apart,” he added.

“And can we end this discussion that Ferris, Heaslip and O’Brien are the greatest back row in the world because they are not. As a unit, it is imbalanced and mismatched.”

It’s not the first time in recent times that George has raised the issue. “We have no number seven, we have two sixes,” he had reminded us beforehand, and nothing he saw in the match gave him much comfort.

“Can I ask my distinguished colleagues a question?” he enquired, as if there were any prospect of him taking no for an answer.

“When did Jamie Heaslip last play an outstanding game for Ireland? Like, Jamie Heaslip, I believe, has sauntered through about ten internationals.

“I suggest for next week against France, we move O’Brien to eight...”

He had his wings clipped by Tom McGurk who wanted to look at the controversial tackles, but it would take a spear through the heart to deflect George when he’s on the trail of blood.

And, so he waited his time, and returned to the point. As Donal Lenihan and Brent Pope shuffled a Donnacha Ryan here and a Conor Murray there in advance of next weekend’s trip to Paris, Hook went global, if not quite postal.

“The lads are looking at this motor car and saying ‘why isn’t it moving’, and they are looking at the carburetter whereas the four wheels are off.

“If you do not address the back row ... I’ve told you, how many times do I have to tell you, you have to take a risk.

“These three players as a unit have failed miserably.”

McGurk: “So who would you play at seven, then?”

Hook: “I’d play (Peter) O’Mahony from Munster. I’ve watched him very closely, particularly in the Northampton match. His contesting at the breakdown was outstanding.”

Pope: “It’s not about contesting at the breakdown. What you want is quick ball...”

McGurk: “Then you play a Leinster nine and ten?”

Hook: “Leinster nine and ten, nobody, look, you can have, you can have Jackie Kyle, Ronan O’Gara, Ollie Campbell, you can have anybody you like at out-half...”

There followed a brief intermission dedicated to Lenihan making a case for Bowe in the centre, but the hook of history was still calling out to George.

“I think the last innovation that Ireland had was the garryowen in 1896. Every other country comes up with ideas.

“Every other country plays a seven, we don’t.

“Every other country plays big backs, we don’t.

“Every other country thinks about quick ball, we don’t.

“We’re unbelievable.”

As the debate intensified, with each party making suggestions for new permutations in advance of trip up the swannee, sorry Seine, McGurk sought to introduce some realpolitik.

“You know as sure as you are sitting there, this is not going to happen. This coach does not do this,” was his reminder.

Lenihan felt “putting in a seven on his own isn’t going to change it, unless you change the mentality of the way they approach the breakdown.

Hook: “They haven’t changed the way they play since the Grand Slam.”

Pope: “They need to change. You can’t tell me that Heaslip’s skills have gone down the drain, that Ferris’ skills, that O’Brien’s skills...they are there, what is not happening is the game plan...

“O’Brien is outstanding this season for Leinster, Ferris is outstanding for Ulster, they come into Ireland and now they are not outstanding all of a sudden. So what is the difference?”

He was adamant the difference was the game plan.

“I wouldn’t argue with that,” said Hook, “I would NOT argue with that. The problem with this Irish team, there isn’t that kind of innovation, there has never been that kind of innovation in this Irish team.”

This is the Irish team he had earlier described as the “the least inventive, most predictable team, in world rugby”. Somehow we suspect the dominant studio theme — Kidney’s alleged conservatism, and all that flows from that — has been established.

Book your couches now, ladies and gentlemen.