Dear Louise: My husband has no interest in becoming intimate with me 

"It’s not just sex that you’re missing... it’s also intimacy, connection, physical touch. I’m sorry that you haven’t been getting what you need from your husband"

Louise O'Neill, author. Photograph Moya Nolan

Dear Louise, 

Please help me as I have no one else to turn to. 

My husband and I are so out of touch, I think we should not be sharing a bed anymore as our bodies do not even touch. He has no interest in intimate activity anymore, no kissing or hugging, no touching, no sex. It all just stopped. 

I am 61 and he is a few years older. I am very fit and active, size 10-12, and I keep myself well. I know other men find me attractive and at times I wonder why I am putting up with this when I could be in a much happier relationship. 

My husband often says how well I look or if we have been at a function, he would say I was the best-looking woman there. But he refuses to talk about our problem. I don’t know what to do. He works hard, is outgoing and good company and has no health problems. I don’t think he is having an affair.

Obviously, I know things are not like they were when we first met many years ago, but this can’t continue. Please don’t advise we go to a marriage counsellor as I feel like he is causing our problem and if he can’t or won’t talk to me about it, he definitely will not talk to anyone else. I hope you can give us some advice.

If the pandemic taught us anything, it was the importance of human touch. After 18 months of being told to stay two metres apart, we craved hugs, the thrill of skin-to-skin contact. Perhaps now more than ever before, I’m sure readers can empathise with how lonely a person can feel when deprived of that. 

It’s not just sex that you’re missing, although that’s a large part of this. It’s also intimacy, connection, physical touch. I’m sorry that you haven’t been getting what you need from your husband. It must be very difficult.

You’re right — the first thing I would ordinarily recommend you do is make an appointment with a marriage counsellor, someone who can create and hold a safe space for you and your husband to be vulnerable with each other.

Many marriage counsellors have been doing this job for a very long time, they’ve seen everything and so nothing can shock them. 

They will have helped hundreds of other couples in similar situations to yours, and will have a road map to guide you and your husband through this. But if counselling is out of the question, let’s look at some other things that might be useful.

Firstly, I was struck by what you said — that it is your husband who is causing this problem. I can understand you’re angry and frustrated, and you’re entitled to feel that way. Being rejected over a long period of time erodes our confidence and can decimate our sense of self.

But I wonder if framing this as entirely your husband’s problem is helpful in trying to move forward. Therapists often recommend their clients use ‘I’ statements such as “I feel hurt when you —” rather than “You are always making me feel —” and while this might seem pedantic, it could facilitate an open dialogue between you. 

Therapy would be the most effective option, but there are other resources available online, such as courses in sex therapy and education, as well as many books and podcasts on the subject. (Esther Perel’s work is phenomenal) 

While reading your letter, it seemed to me as if the intimacy between you and your husband ended rather abruptly, which made me think it might be a physical issue. Difficulties in getting and maintaining an erection are not uncommon in men of his age, but it could be something that he feels too embarrassed to speak to you about.

Do you think he would be able to talk to his GP? Perhaps he is reluctant to hug or kiss you because he is afraid that you’ll want things to go further and he’s nervous he won’t be able to perform? I’m wary of surmising about your husband’s physical or psychological health given I don’t know anything about either. But I will ask you this — do you hug him? Have you asked him why the intimacy between you has disappeared?

Have you talked to him with the same honesty with which you’ve written this letter? I’m aware that communication isn’t a skill that many men of his generation were taught and if that’s the case, there are ways in which you can do this without him shutting down. 

Many couples say they find it easier to tackle thorny subjects when they’re driving in the car or even when they’re walking side by side, as it means they don’t have to look one another in the eye and there’s less pressure. Could you try that?

I’ve said this in my column before but change is an inherent part of long-term, monogamous relationships.

Sometimes, that change can manifest in our libidos. Our sex drives can be impacted by many factors, health, stress, lack of sleep, children, age, trauma, grief… the list goes on. But while there are some things that are insurmountable in a relationship (abuse, a fundamental discrepancy in values etc), sexual incompatibility doesn’t always have to be one of them.

It’s something that can be overcome, if both people are willing to work at it.

You asked me for my advice and this is it — Go to your husband. Talk to him. Ask him to work with you on this.

Try your best for six months, a year. And if after all that, he is still unwilling to acknowledge that your needs are not being met, then you should feel free to consider if your next step might be one best taken alone.

• Louise always recommends speaking with a professional for more support. If you have a question that you would like answered, email [e-mail]