Bertie’s dues to the boys in blue

SO. As Donald Rumsfeld might say, right now we have known knowns, known unknowns and unknown unknowns.

We know there are payments, but we don’t know who from, or in some cases, who to; we know that there have been investigations carried out, but we don’t know what they’ve turned up; and we know that something is happening, but what exactly that something is, remains unknown.

But enough for now about Nickey Brennan’s week.

Bertie Ahern has been having a pretty rough seven days, but then again, a man who’s been a TD for nearly 30 years, knows a week is a long time in politics. In fact, a man who’s been a Dublin GAA supporter all his life knows that 20 minutes can be a longer time in Gaelic football. Think back to the All-Ireland football semi-final.

Now . . . usually we leave the politics out of it back here, but what nobody is picking up on is the odd confluence of events this last few days. On one hand you have the sudden controversy about payments to the Taoiseach; on the other you have the sudden controversy about payments to managers sparked by the president of the GAA.

A coincidence? This column enjoys laughing at conspiracy theories as much as the next man — it beats thinking, after all — but this seems more than mere happenstance. The most prominent supporter of the most glamorous county in the GAA is linked to obscure payments in the same week that the head of the GAA growls about obscure payments to prominent managers. Is Nickey Brennan trying to tell us something? Put away your copies of the Da Vinci Code and the Dummies’ Guide to the X-Files for a while. Consider the evidence. Bertie Ahern is at every big Dubs game and has been for years. The one game he missed this season just gone was the Leinster SFC clash against Longford away — by common consent the worst Dublin display of the year, one in which they seemed bereft of direction. When they got back into Dublin 3, and Bertie was able to attend, suddenly the team got back on track. Also: back in Croke Park, Bertie sits in the Ard Comhairle in Croke Park — right above the subs’ bench in the Hogan Stand, a very convenient position from which to make switches and substitutions.

Clearly Bertie Ahern, in addition to being Taoiseach and TD for Dublin Central, is also the Dublin football manager.

More? A lot of hot air is being exhaled about these Manchester meetings that Bertie attended in 1993, yet he himself has admitted the main purpose of those visits was to see Man United in action — to visit Old Trafford.

For heaven’s sake, it’s right in front of you! Can anybody else see the link between his trips to the most successful English soccer club of its time . . . and the sudden improvement in Dublin GAA performance over the same period? In 1993 the Dubs lost an All-Ireland semi-final to Derry by a point; within 12 months of Bertie’s trip to Manchester, Dublin were in an All-Ireland final, losing to Donegal, and within 12 months of that loss they’d won Sam again, beating Tyrone. All due to what Bertie learned in Old Trafford! (Man United showed a lot of improvement from 1993 onwards as well, but we’re not suggesting Bertie had any influence on Alex Ferguson.

Sure that would simply be madness).

More evidence? We’ve all seen the TV pictures of the interior of St Jude’s, Bertie’s Drumcondra base. Croke Park is VISIBLE from the rear of St Jude’s, and Parnell Park is only a few minutes away. What could be more convenient for training? If this were America in the seventies you’d be getting this information from a nervous man in an underground car park, with Robert Redford frowning in the background as Bob Woodward.

This theory can be quickly contradicted by the assertion that as Taoiseach someone would be too busy to give the time to an intercounty team.

Rubbish: as Jim Hacker found out in ‘Yes, Prime Minister’, once you get to the top of the tree there are plenty of people around you to do the work. Most Taoisigh spend their time in office playing patience on the computer and deleting e-mails offering them better mortgages and sexual performance tablets. Just like the rest of us.

Have a think about what I’ve just said. Note the deafening silence from Paul Caffrey, the absence of denial. Note the grassy knoll just up the road from St Jude’s in Drumcondra.

You’ll see me at the Mahon Tribunal yet.

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