More important than life or death, it’s cute too

By Catherine Shanahan

THEY call it the beautiful game but how’s about the beautiful men who play it?

When womenfolk bore of the endless ball-chasing, they inevitably turn their attentions to talent of a different kind.

Top Totti takes on a whole new meaning and fantasy football moves into a different league.

It’s the dream team with a difference.

In goal, for Ireland, Shay Given.

A safe pair of hands, able and agile and a smile that could tempt play offside.

The back three.

Brazil’s Roberto Carlos, can make a wall of men bow to his toothy grin and so should get women doing cartwheels.

Tireless at running up and down the flanks, he is also good with the outside of the foot.

Frankie Hejduk, attacks with passion, but be warned, is often criticised for neglecting his defensive duties. Good at scoring for his country, so lie back and think of the USA.

For the man with the mula, Belgian defender Daniel Van Buyten is worth millions. Apparently he’s got enormous potential and plays well in extra time. Guaranteed to last the pace.

Midfield, who would be without Freddie Ljundberg? Despite his small size, the feisty footballer has a great little engine and doesn’t hang back on the tackles. As Tiffany would say ‘and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say, I think we’re alone now...’

Also getting the call-up to midfield, England’s Trevor Sinclair. Pacy, versatile and skilful, he can fill a number of positions, should the need arise....

Mexico’s Jesus Arellano, an intelligent player of the ball, he can unlock any defence, chastity belt an’ all. Known for putting in memorable performances.

With Roy Keane playing hard to get, fourth midfield spot goes to Japan’s bleached-blonde Junichi Inamoto. Yet to impress club manager, Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger, and is on a released players’ list, but has proved himself a worthy performer. Well able to rise to the occasion.

When it comes to being forward, Turkey’s Hasen Sas makes all the right moves.

His bad-boy image was boosted after being banned for six months for testing positive for a banned substance. Has proven himself well able to score in recent times.

Up there with him is Italy’s Alessandro del Piero, one of the many gorgeous Azzuri. Brilliant on set pieces and powerful on the ball, he can score for almost any position. A welcome substitute in any boudoir.

And of course who could forego Spain’s Raul, the Dr Carter of football? His subtle technique and ability to turn anyone putting up a defence makes him worthy of any woman. Be warned though, he can also play further afield, sorry, upfield.

Note: This column was unable to draw on the talents of the Batistuta’s, Henry’s and Figo’s of this world because they were dumped.