MAN UTD: King Louis desperately needs fresh troops or Woodward’s head will roll

Gather round, kids: an Englishman is opening his storybook.

“Once upon a time, we lived through a golden quarter-century under an exciting cavalier of Scottish stock. Unfortunately, he allowed his crown to pass to a completely useless successor from the same clan and, after a mercifully short period, we had to be rescued from disaster by an imported Dutchman with a great European track record.”

2014 meet 1688 and if Louis van Gaal is to be United’s William of Orange, he’ll need to buck his ideas up fast.

Back in 1688, some Protestant Englishmen did worry about having such a radical — and such a blatant foreigner — in charge even though they were desperate for rescue from the Moyesian James II. William barely spoke English, introduced some strange customs — what was the 17th century equivalent of 3-5-2, one wonders? — and endured some tricky early away matches.

Phil Neville was one of many banging this drum in the run-up to Saturday’s match, openly disdaining three at the back as being “against our tradition”, and reminding fans of the last time we opened a season using it — 1995/96, and the notorious “kids” defeat at Villa Park.

Phil’s political motives for quibbling were transparent given his hands-on, “yes boss” role in last season’s humiliation and he then sounded a little too smug at full-time as he pointed out that LVG had done no better than Moyes did with the same players.

So in one respect, a tradition had been maintained: we were every bit as paceless, unimaginative and error prone as we had been last season. We were even treated to the same kind of worrying post-match press gig from the manager, except this time the phrase that aggravated wasn’t Moyes’s “we’ll try...” but something even more alarming: “confidence is shattered”. It’s not what you expect, nor want, to hear.

You may have detected some, umm, mild displeasure amongst Reds over the weekend. Typical was this from a colleague: “United are a shambles. Signing commercial deals worth hundreds of millions, constantly spouting we’re the ’richest, biggest, bestest team in the world’... and then starting a league season with a load of second-raters and untried kids in the team! What a load of...”

Well, you get the gist. More cynical heads saw method in King Louis’s madness: “He took the opportunity to show a real live Glazer, sitting in the stands, what he needs to tell Ed Woodward to do.”

Another: “That was a sacrificial match, a shop window for all the players that need to be sold. Problem is, their values have likely halved after that!”

Once all the spleens of bile had been vented we could more calmly accept that nine players were missing, that it’s too early to panic and that Louis is famously a slow starter. Wayne Rooney was ridiculed for claiming the season “now starts next week” but he was almost right. It truly starts with the match after the transfer window closes.

Until then, we need to consider we’re in damage limitation mode and hope that Woodward makes it third time lucky on his shopping expedition. He can’t survive another blown-out window, surely?

As I write, the potential incomer names are flying about as are the persistent claims that Van Gaal went ballistic last week when told he would not, after all, be getting anyone new in time for Swansea.

The names jostle for favour minute-by-minute like horses approaching the tape; I am told Benatia is down, Di Maria is up and Vidal is somewhere in the middle. Whereas Rojo, almost comically, is the subject of something akin to a steward’s enquiry, as Sporting, his agents, his co-owners and United trade accusations.

May these next two weeks fly by and end with new players’ faces on pen pix, or Woodward’s head on a pike... 17th century style.