It only hurts when I laugh as farce goes on

GREETINGS from Comedy Central.

As outsiders clutch their aching sides we witty Scousers keep delivering the goods. They’re rolling in the aisles of London and Manchester anyway.

Where will it end? Hicks denies wanting to sell up. Bush’s bosom buddy has the same stubborn streak. He won’t retreat despite the hysterical chaos he’s created.

Iraq, Liverpool, it’s all the same to them.

Dubai is now revered as a potential liberator from the Americans! That’s how I like my irony, my friends. The fact they dragged their feet so lethargically last year is a distant, inconvenient memory.

There were even hints about another march before Monday, which would have made three in eight months.

We may be hurting inside but at least we’re getting some exercise.

Beneath the layers of weirdness lies the oddest fact of all; Benitez — currently 14 points behind the leaders — is apparently the indisputable keeper of the Anfield flame, protector in chief of The Liverpool Way.

That’s right. The man who played one up front at home to Wigan and replaced his best players when losing to Reading.

Who, sarcastically maybe, touted for the England job in a Liverpool press conference and gave 20 different questions the same answer in a fit of pique.

Who is linked to managerial posts abroad at precisely such times he demands yet more transfer money.

The coincidences keep coming. Several papers claimed Rafa keeps his job if DIC conquer.

An alarming number of supporters think the manager is acting on our behalf with selfless zeal.

There is even talk of empires crumbling if Rafa leaves, from fans who witnessed the departures of Shankly, Keegan, Paisley, Souness, Rush and Dalglish and who struggled with the traumas of Heysel and Hillsborough.

But if we lost the manager who hasn’t summoned one realistic title bid — even Evans managed two — we are to be nought but dust.

Ask who threw the snowball that created the avalanche — and you’re lashed with obscenity that would make a sailor blush.

If anyone should think me supportive of the bloated cowboy and his silent partner, please leave the adults to talk and go play with your crayons.

Once ‘we’ auctioned the soul of this formerly proud institution it was only a matter of time before we were passed around like the after-dinner mints.

Spurious tales of ocean-deep transfer kitties hypnotised the masses. Their greed, gullibility and ignorance of how LFC became what it is fuelled this ghastly farce and the inevitable deception has increased the ferocity of the subsequent backlash.

It’s painful to hear supporters now kid themselves about the Arabs’ future generosity. Whatever happened to “once bitten”? If Dubai gets control by spending more than originally planned and commits to the white elephant stadium, the manager’s transfer kitty shrinks further.

Benitez won’t hang around for that, thus betraying those that howl in his defence. I could laugh, but gallows humour tends to hurt the throat.

Villa was the sort of performance we’ve seen too often. The lack of a killer instinct haunts us.

In our finest Premiership season, 77 of 82 points came from the 27 games we scored first. Fat lot of good it’s doing us now.

Bullying a depleted Luton is one thing, beating a tough Premiership outfit that dares stand up to us another. Did the visitors even do that much?

Check the stats; if the club were to fine players each time they missed the target we could buy out the Americans and still have change to irrigate Africa.

There are some you can rely on, but Gerrard and Torres can’t bail us out forever. And can anyone explain why Crouch is treated the way he is? It defies belief.

Hicks will be blamed for everything whilst the fans’ lament cries out; ‘give Rafa everything he needs to complete the job’.

Personally I don’t think there’s enough money in the world, but just lately I seem to be in a very small minority.

* Steven Kelly