Only prawns and yawns at Blues’ Bridge of sighs

THERE’S a saying ‘you can’t buy class’ and this was particularly evident on Saturday. Chelsea may have poured millions of pounds into their stadium, their team and the club, but this is not football. In fact, it’s not even close. The house that Roman built is a poor imitation.

On Saturday I paid £48 (€66) to sit in the corner of what appeared to be Fulham Broadway library, watching millionaire footballers that barely look bothered, breezing past Sunderland without even getting out of second gear. There was so little passion both on and off the pitch from Chelsea that sometimes it was difficult to believe that you were watching a football match. Wine bars, coffee shops and hotels all belong in city centres. Chelsea have them built into their ground.

Ticket touts line the streets outside the ground, eager to rip off foreign day-trippers desperate to see Roman Abramovich’s assembly of superstar footballers. If any of Chelsea’s board wonder why the ground is devoid of any atmosphere, they should visit a real club. Instead of clapping and cheering their team on, Stamford Bridge is bathed in the flashlights of disposable cameras when they attack instead of roars of encouragement from the home crowd.

And when the pressure is on them, with Sunderland coming out to attack in the second-half, what happens? Their fans can’t give their vocal backing, as they’re too busy sipping on their lattes, making sure their Amaretti biscuit doesn’t fall in. What happened to warming your cockles with a Bovril in the Shed End? The only real surprise was that the half-time pie range didn’t contain any broccoli and stilton pastries, or glasses of vintage red instead of watered down lager. No matter, it was still over-priced crap.

Amusingly, Chelsea showed how out of touch they were when inviting their star guest onto the pitch to be presented to the fans. They chose former player David Speedie, who received a lukewarm response from the blue part of Stamford Bridge (most of the Johnny come latelys or day trippers clearly had no idea who he was). Whoever booked him in mustn’t have realised he had history with SAFC, and most of the ground looked bemused at the away end going ballistic, directing vitriol towards the Scot.

Whilst at Coventry, Speedie visited Sunderland in 1989. In an off-the-ball incident, he kicked crowd favourite Gary Bennett’s already injured knee. It ended up with Bennett grabbing Speedie by the throat and throwing him into the Paddocks at Roker Park. The balding Scot had always been a vicious character, which time doesn’t seem to have changed. As he passed Sunderland supporters singing “One Gary Bennett” on Saturday, instead of laughing it off, as Bennett was doing while working in the press box, he gestured to supporters suggesting they pleasure themselves. Nice.

There can be few complaints about the result. Chelsea were better and smarter than we were. A soft penalty ended the game as a spectacle, with a red card that wouldn’t have been given had the roles been reversed acting as a finale. Liam Miller hasn’t played much this season, but he’s had an impact whenever he has come on, setting up the winner against Derby, and scoring a late equaliser at Middlesbrough. A silly red card will now put him further down the pecking order.

The positives were that Dickson Etuhu played well. He seems to be more effective away from home, when possession is low and attacks are rare. It’s mainly at home, when we need a midfielder that can put his foot on the ball and distribute efficiently that he looks shockingly bad. Darren Ward did little wrong and although his handling was a little suspect at times, he justified his selection to the starting 11 again.

I couldn’t help but leave the ground thinking I’d been robbed. When the average Premier League ticket price is around £25 (€34), paying double that should ensure one hell of an experience. Regardless of the stick Manchester United take, their tickets were a tenner less when we visited there in September and their fans make some noise. Their team play attractive football and Old Trafford is a great arena to visit. In fact, in terms of overall matchday experience, Stamford Bridge is right up there with the worst of them. I can remember rainy away days at Grimsby which were more fun than this, but then again we probably won that one.