The big match interview (decoded)

HE SAYS: “Look, I don’t mind where I play, it’s all about wearing the jersey.”

HE MEANS: “Look, if that bastard of a manager wasn’t from a rival club he’d have me at wing-back.”

***

HE SAYS: “They’re a proud hurling county. They were never going to lie down.”

HE MEANS: “Your man nearly cut the head off me in the second half. Do you want to see the scar?”

***

HE SAYS: “We’ve prepared well all year, but it was worth it.”

HE MEANS: “I haven’t smelt a Kit-Kat in six months. By Jesus, I’ll be having the full Irish in the morning.”

***

HE SAYS: “Ah sure, we were only having a bit of a chat.”

HE MEANS: “My marker called my mother’s toilet habits into question just before I did the same to him.”

***

HE SAYS: “I thought the referee used a lot of common sense out there.”

HE MEANS: “I told him I’d get my brother the guard to make his life hell if he sent me off.”

***

HE SAYS: “Everyone will talk about us up front, but I thought the backs were immense today.”

HE MEANS: “Everyone will be talking about the cut-throats and savages we have in defence when it’s plain that we were the ones who won the game in the first place.”

***

HE SAYS: “Look, there’s 30 men on the panel.”

HE MEANS: “Look, can we get back to the goal I scored in the second half? What do you want to talk about them for?”

***

HE SAYS: “We’ve been in the beaten dressing-room ourselves, it’s not a nice place to be.”

HE MEANS: “One word: losers.”

***

HE SAYS: “Our fans were really like a sixteenth man out there, to be quite honest.”

HE MEANS: “It’s all noise, to be quite honest.”

***

HE SAYS: “Sure, we’ll have a good night or two anyway.”

HE MEANS: “I’ll be drying out in rehab by November.”

***

THE TOP TEN SIGNS A SLIOTAR IS NOT APPROVED

10 - Autographed: “Best wishes — your pal, Becks!”

9 - Has “Cummins” spelt with three ‘m’s.

8 - Angry hockey team grab ball from referee before throw-in.

7 - Pound shop price sticker clearly visible.

6 - Donal Óg Cusack puts tee under ball and shouts ‘fore’ before puck-out.

5 - Henry Shefflin insists on using tennis racket for frees.

4 - Tuxedoed gent from Jury’s Croke Park says wedding cake missing crucial adornment.

3 - Made out of ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

2 - Referee has to pump it up before game.

1 - Limerick hurlers invade pitch to protest when they see ball ...

***

THE TOP 10 SIGNS THE CROKE PARK PITCH IS NOT QUITE MATCH READY

10 - Sign on tunnel says ‘Visitors must wear hard hats and boots’.

9 - Half-time entertainment from Torvill and Dean.

8 - Eddie Brennan seen pulling on snowshoes.

7 - Judge gives Diarmuid O’Sullivan 8.5 out of 10 for artistic merit after one clearance.

6 - Referee wears black and white vertical stripes and sends players to ‘penalty box’.

5 - Minor game won by Mighty Ducks.

4 - Ronan Curran heard shouting ‘Mush’ to his wing-backs.

3 - Brian Cody throws snowball at John Allen.

2 - Artane Boys Band on skates.

1 - Players handed ice hockey sticks before they take the field.

***

THE TOP TEN LINES FROM THE WINNING CAPTAIN TO THE GAA PRESIDENT BEFORE GETTING THE CUP

10 - “Jeeeeeeeesus ...”

9 - “I’m the captain. Who are you?”

8 - “Lose that tie, dude.”

7 - “You look like the guy who cut me off at Dunnes Stores last Friday week.”

6 - “I like The Sopranos too, but I prefer Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

5 - “Is this who you were stuck with for the game? Hard lines.”

4 - “Kouros, is it?”

3 - “Where do you put the other team’s ribbons off the cup?”

2 - “I always get confused — is that Drumcondra in that direction?”

1 - “See the blonde sitting up behind you? Get her number for me like a good man.”