Odour of failure? Put your trust in Kuyt

SO WHAT’S on today’s menu then? Main course is a steaming plateful of “shut the fuck up” while dessert is a large helping of humble pie.

The demented scurrying sound you can hear is the rapid retreat of numerous experts desperately trying to distance themselves from their predictions.

Main threat to Chelsea? On Saturday’s evidence? Sure we are.

We had an interesting argument on our website leading up to the game, with some adopting the stance that if we couldn’t beat Sheffield United we may as well pack up now. Which displays an alarming lack of football familiarity from the (ahem) most knowledgeable fans in the game.

I know you’re probably all a little bored with my eternal pessimism. It’s been a default position of mine for many years.

There are four types of fan. Grade One: “We’ll win today.” Grade Two: “We’ll see.” Grade Three: “We’ll get beat today.” Grade Four: “That police helicopter’s a bit low isn’t it?”

Guess who spends half his time watching the whirlybird? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong in my eyes. It’s always been that way, I’m afraid. Grade One types look down on you because they’re the ones out on a limb, taking a risk, laying themselves open to the cruel barbs of outsiders.

But on the subject of Liverpool and their current title chances, this is plain old-fashioned reality talking. The current holders average nine games a season that they DON’T win. Everything else is a victory.

Nine? God Almighty, if Liverpool can manage such a record by the turn of the year I’ll be satisfied.

Sod’s Law dictates that you will struggle in the games where you least expect to, and as we all know Sod’s Law might as well be in the FA’s regulations. There are a lot of reasons why we were poor on Saturday. It certainly didn’t help that we lost two senior players in 30 minutes.

International exertions, a long journey to Kiev and promotion euphoria gave Sheffield United and their loon of a manager a window of opportunity.

Key players weren’t risked, and Gerrard either strolled around all afternoon or bided his time before expending any serious energy (depending on your sycophancy levels towards The Maestro). United’s main mission on day one was to avoid serious humiliation, which they did with plenty to spare. It certainly wasn’t a penalty but we didn’t deserve defeat.

Twelve corners to none tell a tale. An equaliser would have arrived eventually, but there was little sign of that hunger for victory embedded in the DNA of real champions. Kiev and Haifa hovered on the horizon like the dark clouds already looming overhead. Let’s hope the ease-up was worth it.

What do you need to be a great team? Skill, passion, organisation, fitness. When all teams match up, there’s a level of anticipation you need that’s almost telepathic. The opponent can’t predict what you will do, but you know exactly when a colleague will make his run or your striker will head for the near or far post.

Some of that can be worked out on the training ground, but mostly in competitive matches. How on earth can you acquire such clairvoyance when the team is constantly changing? You could get the fitness levels up to superhuman standard (drugs are useful I believe) and pick your best team whenever possible — that’s one alternative. You could also spend trillions so your second 11 is capable of putting in a challenge by itself. Only one of these techniques is available to Liverpool.

Since Houllier took charge every summer’s the same. At least three new faces, usually from abroad, all desperately trying to swim once they’ve been plopped into the deep end. I can think of better places than Bramall Lane for Gonzalez and Aurelio’s introduction to English football.

If you’ve a plethora of internationals and you manage to qualify for the Champions’ League the season is going to take its toll. You have to take risks with your squad.

But if that means Kromkamp comes in and Zenden takes a central midfield place off one of your best players, you’ve giving Lady Luck a hefty shove.

Lose Carragher and Riise so early, and you begin to fear the worst. Grant free headers from set pieces, and if a referee gives you a dodgy penalty grab that point with both hands and don’t let go. But it’s hardly the stuff of champions, is it?

That’s not going to bother me of course but if there’s an odour of failure after just one game it can’t be conducive to a successful season. Not that I should be stalking the high ground regarding premature viewpoints. I got my eye spectacularly wiped last week when we signed Dirk Kuyt.

Now I could start wriggling out of it and say the Reds were panicked by the thought of Newcastle swiping another of our targets. No, I was just wrong. Rafa has expressed his satisfaction with the board’s backing, and that’s good enough for me.

Scaring the bejesus out of Dutch defences has numerous connotations. You could be a Van Nistelrooy or you could be a Kezman. We simply don’t know, but one argument was irrefutable: we needed a fourth quality striker, whatever European competition we’re in (curse that deadline!) and this is the player the manager wanted.

We’ve got him, so let’s just applaud the hierarchy for once. I’m sure fans will be thrilled if Dirk eventually does the business.

Or maybe they know something we don’t? Sorry, I’m doing it again aren’t I?

I’m sure he’ll be marvellous.