The 2023 Larrys: Celebration police, farce and phrases, model Keano and linguistic Rog
WATCHING ON: Roy Keane watching the Irish rugby team training. Pic: ©INPHO/Dan Sheridan
Leave it to John Giles to encapsulate how Erling Haaland made sport’s hardest job look routine: "He's a giant of a lad who has the balance of a little fella."
A hugely competitive field, with Messrs Rubiales and McGregor outstanding performers. But of late Joey Barton has been drawing on his vast experience in this area to spout incessant sexist nonsense in cynically transparent but sadly effective efforts to promote some awful podcast. Facilitated at every step by kindred tulip Elon Musk.
The rise of the Celebration Police, constantly monitoring outbreaks of jubilation, with officers Neville and Keys gaining swift promotion to chief inspector.
Jermaine Jenas: “Not in any walk of life is that a penalty.”
Dónal Óg Cusack on Limerick: “They float like a buffalo, sting like a bee.”
Ian Ward: “It might have been an optical illusion, but I thought I heard something.”
Troy Deeney: "Cody Gakpo and Darwin Nunez are only 23, their ceiling is going to be through the roof."
Dion Dublin: “Not only has he missed it, he hasn’t hit the target.”
Heard at the World Cup: "Emma Hayes will be watching this through gritted teeth.”
Jordan Spieth suffered ulnar nerve damage popping his son’s breakfast in the toaster. Denver Nuggets forward Aaron Gordon was bitten on his shooting hand by a dog on Christmas Day. Barcelona’s Raphinha crocked his knee kicking a pitchside water fridge. And Aussie Glenn Maxwell missed the World Cup meeting with England having suffered a concussion falling off a golf cart bringing him to the team bus.
Restless Mikel Arteta for tireless resistance to the inhuman constraints of the technical area.
Omnipresent Roy Keane will spend the rest of his days lucratively conquering one industry after another. He’s the saviour of punditry, briefly towered over social media on Instagram, and became king of the roadshow. In 2023, he took over podcasting and branched into modelling - for Manchester United and adidas.
Michael Owen’s account of his own courageous youth is worth recording in full and perhaps should be cut out and laminated to set standards for future generations.
"You know, everything was a challenge. You know I would eat an apple while watching the TV at night. The bin would be by the TV, six metres away or whatever. I would just do it.
"I had the bravery to miss and for there to be a stain on the wallpaper and my Mum to absolutely scream at me and send me upstairs.
"I wasn’t cocky at all, but the next day I would do the same and I’ll be ‘bump’ and it’ll go right in the middle and my Dad would give me a nod of approval.
"My Mum would be seething, but couldn’t say anything, because it went in. That confidence, that sort of daring, that nod of approval that ‘I don’t want to get bollocked by my Mum here’, but I’m desperate for a little wink, a little nod from my Dad, to say 'here you cocky little, you know’.
"That’s what I always yearned for as a kid."
“L’opportunité est fucking énorme” for Rog as a future Eurovision host after that remarkable Franglais pre-match speech for his La Rochelle players.
Damien Duff for taking Scott van der Sluis’ transfer from Shels to Love Island on the chin. "I was shocked and saddened that Scott chose a villa in Mallorca full of beautiful single women over myself, the staff and the players."
Ireland women’s World Cup campaign. How did the feelgood story of the year so swiftly turn into a dark psychodrama?
“Sure everyone said we were gone, everyone said we were done and buried,” reckoned Darragh O’Donovan after the Munster final win. John Kiely and co must have the most intrepid researchers for mild criticism in the business.
Slipping Stephen Cluxton back into training without a single WhatsApp rumour stirring.
The 11,000 runners disqualified from the Mexico City Marathon for apparently making use of cars, bikes, buses and shortcuts.
Ange Postegoglu is well on his way to taking over as the world’s best-loved Aussie. Though ‘it is what it is, mate’ may not suffice when there’s a search and rescue operation to be mounted at the Surf Club.
At least we’re fairly certain Jordan Henderson is doing that, quietly, behind the scenes, like.
Slipping on a 16th man. Of all the tricky areas to police in GAA, escorting one player off before another comes on doesn’t appear insurmountable.
We might be on the cusp of a golden age in running. But with the Aga Khan lads coming up short, it’s vital we have someone to keep kids jumping around the garden too. Could Elizabeth Ndudi be our giant leap forward?
Wexford hurlers. If you’re not winning anything, at least live life to the max. For an incredible seven days, at any rate, the yellabellies did that. From losing a 17-point lead in defeat to Westmeath to pipping Kilkenny in a Wexford Park epic to stay in the Liam MacCarthy.
That time during the Rugby World Cup when Cheslin Kolbe slapped a bouncing ball back into the play. Wow.
VAR - at least in the hands of the Premier League’s finest. Must now be responsible for more conspiracy theories than the moon landings and 911 combined.
The only problem with , the very enjoyable Kevin Moran documentary, was the sight of this glamourous figure surging and bouncing through tackles sent Gaelic football people into another spiral of ennui for a madcap game now becalmed.
Gerwyn Price’s earmuffs. Part of the majesty of the arrows is how these goliaths stay calm in a madhouse. Thankfully banned for this year’s festival.
A customary elite contribution from Tipp. There was Ken Hogan’s outstanding testimonial to clubmate Bonner Maher. “He has an unassailable appetite for torture.” And Liam Cahill’s beautiful “Tradition is a thing of the past.” But the award must go to Eimear Ryan’s sad, coming-of-age moment, from the year’s best sports book , when she twigged the lack of social capital that came with camogie: “I thought we were all just hurlers.” A line that might be kept in mind through 2024 as focus narrows on integration.
And yet somehow it’s not easy for everyone to appreciate the wisdom and grace the Premier constantly provides. “Jaysus, I hate Tipp. I hate them, I don’t know what it is. It’s an insatiable hatred,” revealed former Galway keeper James Skehill. Of course a merciful and forgiving people will let it slide.
They are hard on themselves at the best of times, Gaelic football people. But the six minutes Roscommon spent keeping the ball against Dublin in Croke Park tipped them into another bout of the old despair.
When nobody would turn up for Match of the Day in solidarity with Gary Lineker.
Footfall was brisk on the Stairway to Heaven. Terry Venables now has stellar talent like Gianluca Vialli, Trevor Francis, Bobby Charlton, Franny Lee and Gerry Ryan for his celestial Christmas Tree formation. And Craig Brown to help him. Tragically young legs too for his engine room in Christian Atsu and Chris Bart Williams. Craig Breen is up there putting the foot down. Mick Burns, Johnny Flaherty and Jimmy Duggan are pucking into the heavens for Teddy Mac to soar. But Liam Kearns wants Teddy for the football. Dickie Davies is throwing over to John Motson in commentary, but Paudie Palmer breaks in with news of the Junior C final. And dear old Nora Ryan is gone down to the kitchen, still preferring to listen to the hurling on Tipp FM instead of watching it on the box.
Happy New Year...
