John Riordan: Backfiring Pistons are the last great losers of 2023

John Collins of the Utah Jazz drives against Cade Cunningham of the Detroit Pistons.

I can't think of a more appropriate way to round out a terrible year than by enjoying the record-breaking misery of the Detroit Pistons.

Winless in November and possibly in December too by the time 2024 rings in, a once-proud NBA franchise is the laughing stock of the US sporting scene this week having raised - or more accurately lowered - the bar by succumbing to the most successive single-season losses in the history of the league.

By the time you’re reading this, they might have equalled the next notorious mark: the 28 defeats on the trot which the Philadelphia 76ers suffered between the end of the 2014-15 season and the long and weary start of the next.

Tghis august publication even gave over more than half a page into figuring out the almost two decades of organisational incompetence that inspired the Pistons to find this unique new floor. Or mineshaft, to be more precise, because if there’s an end in sight, nobody can quite predict it.

We all love a loser. A truly dedicated one is endearing and fascinating at the same time.

As much as the world needs and craves the sort of sporting greatness which helps us escape certain harsh realities, I am here to argue that maybe a little bit of incompetence offers almost as much relief. It is, after all, therapeutic to enjoy the sort of slapstick where no one gets hurt. We are being offered a different sort of perspective on true suffering and we shouldn’t look away.

“Suffered” was probably the wrong word to use in the context of the 2015 76ers for that reason - athletes and fans don’t actually suffer. They are not long suffering; they simply overpay and over queue for replica shirts.

But suffered was also the wrong word in the specific context of that team because losing without fail was part of an overall policy in Philadelphia where they sought to strip the squad bare in order to be as bad as possible. and earn the highest draft picks available. 

Tanking, as it is infamously known, is the privilege of certain well-resourced losers who can see winning on the horizon.

However, it’s almost impossible to produce a pattern of incompetence as consistent as Detroit’s. When the Cleveland Cavaliers did it in 2010, they had just lost one of the greatest players of all time to the Miami Heat when LeBron James took his talents to South Beach. Their tailspin was immediate and redemption was only ever achieved when he returned and dragged the Cavs to a title over half a decade later.

The Pistons failed - if only just - to stop the rot Thursday night when they went down 128-122 in over time at one of this season’s overall title favourites, the Boston Celtics. Now there's the prospect of clinching the all-time low Saturday with the visit of the Toronto Raptors. They are nowhere near as good as the Celtics, but that won't stop the clamouring for the unheard of, a rubbernecking for calamity - where were you when the Pistons backfired to the top of a lowly roll of dishonour?

As a few observers have noted wryly, there hasn't been this much Detroit basketball coverage nationally (and certainly not globally) since the "Malice at The Palace", the most infamous brawl in NBA history that pitted the Pistons against the Indiana Pacers.

Head coach Monty Williams.

The Pistons’ demise is entertaining but it also brings some levity to the real traumas being inflicted across the world. It feels easier to fixate on the snowballing losing streak of a meaningless NBA team. It caps off a year of loss everywhere. It’s irresponsible to see it like this but that’s where I’m at.

An extreme example of a loser who will be just fine is Travis Kelce. I’m really testing the definition of loser here since he will romp into the NFL Hall of Fame boasting at least two Super Bowl rings and a career of game-changing greatness. He’ll be grand.

But he and his Kansas City Chiefs are not looking like winners right now. Kelce won the year by convincing Taylor Swift to go steady with him and he won a legion of new fans through his very earnest wooing of the most famous popstar on the planet.

That won’t help his seemingly failing body which is causing him to lose a key step of his incredible pace. And it won’t help the Super Bowl holders around him who are thirsting to establish the Chiefs as modern greats. Losing is harder to take when you’re at the top.

In some cases, even when you're winning, you're losing. The New England Patriots have spent the majority of the year losing a lot of the allure they had built up for 20 years. An empire will always fall but the post-Tom Brady years have been cruel to Bill Belichick, the masterful coach who helped them reach the heights.

He has also had a major hand in how they’ve lost that ranking as one of the NFL’s true forces.

The fall of the Patriots has been a joy for the rest of the league. For a while, every loss was greeted with joy, every piece of footage of Belichick looking forlorn and clueless offering a glimmer of hope to everyone else.

But just as soon as the Patriots losing habits began to create a scenario that would work in their favour - a high draft pick, a talented young acquisition, a chance to build again - they did the opposite of what they needed to do and they started to win.

Who knows what’s going on in Belichick’s head but those of us held down by 1% of his footballing IQ thought it was a great laugh that he was failing to lose, giving up valuable draft order positions with every hollow, unnecessary success.

Losing intentionally in the NFL is actually quite difficult because so many individuals are fighting for new contracts; their highlight reel becomes the priority after a team’s hopes of a winning season have been lost.

But the Pistons can’t even drag themselves to the point of choosing between tanking and salvaging their own contract negotiations. They are, according to their own coach, Monty Williams, weighed down by the history they are making, frozen into submission by the fear of infamy and stiffening up when easy shots present themselves.

However he remains defiant. “I’m unbelievably proud of the group, the way they bring it,” Williams said. “They’ve heard all the stuff about our team and they just keep bringing it. I know it’s going to pay off.”