And finally, the 2014 Whatiftas
Following last year’s awards ceremony, which was universally hailed as “a total shambles” and “a complete waste of taxpayers’ money”, The Column On Saturday is proud to present the 2014 ‘Whatiftas?’, a celebration of all that is weird and wonderful in the world of... (rest of introduction drowned out by open mic picking up sound of audience member belting out republican ballad). But the show must go on...
* The Ebony And Ivory, Together In Perfect Harmony Award goes jointly to Roy Keane and Alex Ferguson for having at least one thing in common: a seemingly identical regard for each other.
* The Michael Fish Award For Unreliable Forecasting to Brazilian sociologist Mauricio Murad who, just two months before this summer’s World Cup, was quoted as follows in ‘World Soccer’: “As far as transport, security and possible outbreaks of violence, it’s going to be very complicated. I’m pessimistic. I don’t think the authorities will be in a position to solve the problems. It’s already too late.” (To be fair to Mr Murad, he was not alone in predicting disaster for what turned out to be one of the most successful tournaments ever).
* The Everybody Remembers Who Came Second Award to Liverpool for the spectacularly agonising manner in which Stevie G and the gang let the Premier League title slip.
* The Dental As Anything Award to Luis Suarez for the most jaw-dropping ‘did he just do what I think he did?!?’ moment of the year. (Runner-up: Luis Suarez’ initial explanation for same: “I lost my balance, making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent. At that moment I hit my face against the player leaving a small bruise on my cheek and a strong pain in my teeth”).
* The Goal Of The Year Award to Stephanie Roche for her first, second and third touch. And it’s still not too late to give her the official nod ahead of Robin van Persie and James Rodriguez, as voting for the Ferenc Puskas gong remains open at www.fifa.com with the winner to be announced on January 12.
* The GUBU Award to Brazil for their 1-7 implosion against Germany in the World Cup semi-final in Belo Horizonte. In football folklore, the city used to feature in a famous, but almost certainly apocryphal, story arising out of England losing 0-1 to the USA there at the 1950 World Cup, a result considered so outlandish that when it was wired to Blighty, it’s said some papers, assuming a misprint, “corrected” the scoreline to England 10 USA 1.
But neither the fiction nor the reality of 1950 could be even half as mind-blowing as the result which materialised 60 years later in the Stadio Mineiro on July 8, 2014, a day of infamy for the most successful international team in history.
* The Anecdote Of The Year Award to Roy Keane’s account in his book of an aborted attempt to bring Robbie Savage to Sunderland: “So I got Robbie’s mobile and rang him. It went to his voicemail: ‘Hi, it’s Robbie, whazzup?’ — like the Budweiser ad. I never called him back. I thought: ‘I can’t be fuckin’ signing that’.”
* The Quote Of The Year Award to Ireland’s Robbie Brady after John O’Shea’s last-kick equaliser against Germany in Gelsenkirchen prompted an eruption of joy on the visitors’ bench, the Hull winger later explaining to keeper David Forde: “I was that far out on the pitch, the FAI should give me a cap.”
* The Bill O’Herlihy/Eamon Dunphy Award For Punditry Inexactitude to Ivan Zamorano. When Chile sub Mauricio Pinilli hit the crossbar against Brazil in extra time at the World Cup, the country’s former international striker Zamorano is reported to have exclaimed ‘Ah, your mother’s c**t!’ on live television. A nation — and the world — understood.
* The What The Hell Are We Going To Talk About Now? Award to St Patrick’s Athletic, who brought a 53-year-old unwanted record to an end by beating Derry City 2-0 to lift the FAI Cup.
* The Oriel, Because You’re Worth It Award to Stephen Kenny and his splendid title-winning Dundalk side.
* The Going Above And Beyond The Call Of Duty Award to President Michael D Higgins for announcing he would support England at the World Cup. (Then again, being a football man, he probably guessed rightly that there wouldn’t actually be a whole lot of supporting involved).
* The Not The Voice of Ireland Award to FAI boss John Delaney
* The ‘Love Is...’ Award to Anara Atane who tweeted this response after her boyfriend Samir Nasri was left out of the French World Cup squad by manager Didier Deschamps: “Fuck France and fuck Deschamps. What a shit manager.”
*The Alan Shearer Cliché Of The Year Award to the awful, witless and inexcusable, “He only had one thing on his mind”. (Replacing five-time winner “The wall did its job” and just pipping a new entry, “He shows great determination to get into the box”).
