And finally, the 2014 Whatiftas

HELLO, good evening and welcome.

Following last year’s awards ceremony, which was universally hailed as “a total shambles” and “a complete waste of taxpayers’ money”, The Column On Saturday is proud to present the 2014 ‘Whatiftas?’, a celebration of all that is weird and wonderful in the world of... (rest of introduction drowned out by open mic picking up sound of audience member belting out republican ballad). But the show must go on...

* The Ebony And Ivory, Together In Perfect Harmony Award goes jointly to Roy Keane and Alex Ferguson for having at least one thing in common: a seemingly identical regard for each other.