PADDY HEANEY: Mastering the dark arts... the real rules of football
More cards, more rules, more debate, more aggro. And what will all this discussion and debate achieve? Precious little, I’d say.
Because let’s be honest, the real rules of Gaelic football have never been contained in the Official Guide. That is because they are unwritten. The real rules are passed down orally from father to son, from manager to player, and from the former great to the rising star. So, for the benefit of the naïve, the ignorant, and the uninitiated, what follows is a beginner’s guide to the unwritten rules of Gaelic football.
Rule 1: The rules are there to be broken.
Rule 2: There is a name for teams that obey the rules.
They are called losers.
Rule 3: Just because it’s played with a ball, it doesn’t mean it’s a sport.
Gaelic football replaced clan warfare. In essence, it continues to be clan warfare. Before winning the game, all teams must first win the war.
Rule 4: The war takes many forms.
Rule 5: Taking part doesn’t count.
In sport, it’s the taking part that counts. But like we said, Gaelic football isn’t a sport. In Gaelic football, it’s the winning that counts. It’s all about the winning.
Rule 6: Stealing yards is not the same as stealing.
Rule 7: Handpick your umpires.
In The Art of War, Sun Tzu wrote: ‘Treat your soldiers like your sons and they will follow you into the deepest valleys’.
In the Art of Gaelic Warfare, they say: ‘Handpick your umpires and you will win many close games.’
For club games, a good umpire is like a 16th man. When adjudicating on shots from your team, your umpire will flag a point for every effort that comes within two metres of the upright.
Meanwhile, if there is the faintest element of doubt about any shot from the opposition, then it must be flagged wide. All arm gestures must be performed with total conviction. This isn’t cheating. (See Rule 4).
Rule 8: Ignore all match-day regulations regarding numbers and quotas.
If the half-time break is supposed to be 15 minutes, feel free to remain in the changing rooms for 20 minutes.
And if you are allowed only five officials inside the wire, take 10.
Rule 9: Your goalkeeper must be shameless.
Your goalkeeper must insist that every point is wide even when the ball has clearly sailed over the black spot. He must do this by jumping up and down in the face of an umpire while keeping his arms spread and shouting ‘wide’ as loudly as he can. This isn’t cheating. (See Rule 2)
Rule 10: If he wants to be different, then treat him differently.
Always hit a player wearing white boots. Always hit a player wearing an earring. Always hit a player with dyed hair. Always hit a player with a tattoo.
If an opponent has white boots, dyed hair, an earring and a tattoo — hit him and keep hitting him. This isn’t cheating. (See Rule 3)
Rule 11: Earn Respect, Give Respect (And Exploit Every Weakness).
Referees should be respected. But if they can be influenced by any other means, then don’t hesitate to take maximum advantage.
A friendly chat before the throw-in. An angry remonstration at half-time. Constant haranguing throughout the game. If the ref likes being friends, be friendly. If he bends under pressure, pressurise him.
Rule 12: Never ever back down.
If your opponent shoulders you before the throw-in, you must retaliate with at least 25% more force than the initial challenge. If he responds in kind, you must keep the Punch and Judy Show going until: a) the point of collapse b) he gets fed up c) the game starts d) both of you are booked.
Rule 13: All footballers are equal but some are more equal than others.
Special footballers require special treatment. The old ‘1/2/3’ routine is a tried-and-trusted favourite.
If you want to neutralise a star talent, then he must be thumped at least once, marked by two men, and targeted with third-man tackles throughout the game.
Rule 14: No-one ever gets sent off for a bodycheck.
Everyone knows the difference between a shoulder and bodycheck. A shoulder is a legal challenge. A full-frontal bodycheck is illegal and can cause serious injury, but this highly dangerous assault will never result in a red card as long as the assailant performs the following routine. After nailing your victim (who will be left in a lifeless heap on the ground), immediately proclaim your innocence by enlarging your eyes and pointing repeatedly towards your shoulder. Shout repeatedly: ‘But I hit him with my shoulder ref.’ Your team-mates and supporters will immediately latch onto your cause. Referees are reluctant to send someone off for a shoulder charge. This isn’t cheating. (See Rule 11)
Rule 15: Size matters.
There are different rules for different inside leg measurements. Small players (25in to 29in) can take anything from five to nine steps with the ball. Tall players (33in to 36in) are only allowed the statutory four steps.
Small players can only be subjected to a certain amount of physical contact. In contrast, big players who can be pulled, dragged and mauled with virtual impunity.
Rule 16: There are no rules against wasting time.
Regardless of what has occurred during the preceding 70 minutes, GAA referees are congenitally incapable of awarding more than three minutes of injury time. This means all ambitious teams must know how to run down the clock. Players must learn how to suffer serious bouts of cramp every time the opposition scores and managers must empty the bench in the last five minutes.
Rule 17: Stealing footballs is not the same as stealing.
If you don’t win the game, at least make sure to nab one of your opponents’ footballs. This isn’t stealing.
Think of it as damages for all the outrageous cheating they did to win the game.
