‘Chicken’ causes a stir in the henhouse

As part of my diligent parenting programme, I will, as soon as there is any sense to be got out of the twins, invite Gilles Simon round to impart some valuable life lessons.

Naturally, I’ll first get him to take the pair of them through a thorough training routine, making copious notes for future reference, lest either of them show the potential to retire me early.

Then he’ll take the young lad for a pep talk, explain to him the merits of hard work, dedication and resolve and assure him that rewards will be richly deserved if he applies himself.