If you must get involved in Cheltenham, bank on Quevega and Big Buck’s

HERE’S a tip for Cheltenham — don’t bet. But, of course, such words of wisdom will be completely lost in the festival air — though there is the possibility they might be fleetingly recalled after the last race has been run next Friday.

By then it will be all too late. Cheltenham is almost impossible from a betting point of view and the grim determination of mug punters to think they can solve puzzle after puzzle never ceases to amaze.

Listen carefully at the airport on your way home and you will hear some interesting sounds. “I broke even”, for instance, is code for “I lost”.