Growing up in Bishopstown sets you up for a lifetime of disappointment — just Ask Audrey
It’s not easy being an agony aunt in Cork. I get a lot of letters asking if I know when the property market is going to crash. Most of them are from people whose parents are refusing to die at a reasonable age, so their children can inherit the house.
I feel for them in a way. There are houses in Bandon going for six figures. This is stuff and there will be tears if the market crashes when these people’s parents are still alive.
My advice is to sell the house without their consent. Of course, that involves finding a dodgy solicitor. “That should be easier than finding a Volvo XC90 in St Lukes”, I’m not allowed to say in this article because my editor reckons solicitors don’t like being called dodgy. (If that’s the case, why do so many of them put it on their LinkedIn profile?)
The big trend for 2025 will be people putting giant mirrors on the roof of their houses. The grants for solar panels are bound to dry up now the Green Party are as popular as a Puritan in Kinsale. But solar panels on the roof are really about making your neighbours feel bad about themselves because they don’t care about the planet as much as you do. So get a set of giant mirrors for 500 quid and install them yourself — no one will be able to tell the difference.
Speaking of Kinsale — will it still have the most expensive property in Cork by the end of 2025? Hardly. Thanks to people pretending they care about the planet, Kinsale will probably be under water in 10 years time. The new des-res in Cork will be up on a height. Finally some good news for the Norries and people sentenced to life in Watergrasshill.
Summer homes would be popular in Ireland, if we had a summer. But the last two Julys have been like listening to on a loop. This could be a really good time to get a mobile home on the cheap in Garryvoe. Just make sure your kids’ devices are charged.
I get a lot of hipsters writing to me, asking where is next area ripe for gentrification in Cork. I give them all the same answer — Frankfield. I own a rental property up there and it never hurts to boost demand.
It’s hilarious, listening to hipsters trying to convince themselves a pebble-dashed semi-d is the height of cool. So prepare for a plague of hipsters to descend on Frankfield with their beards and polo-necks. And that’s just the women, sez you.
I get a tonne of letters from people struggling to find a partner because they come from a town with a ridiculous sounding name. Now, you probably think there is no way a laughable town would condemn some one to a lifetime of celibacy. But try and tell that to people from Bweng. Or Ringaskiddy.
It’s not just sex. I’m told no one will admit they live in Ringaskiddy because it knocks 20 grand off the value of their house. Some claim they live in New Carrigaline, which is like telling someone on Tinder you have a really cool version of an STD.
What about interiors? You don’t want to be the only person in your estate who has an avocado bathroom suite. (Unless you live in Dunmanway, in which case they’ll call you an influencer. Or D’Influencer.) The bad news is that nostalgia is back in for kitchens, so those 10 grand polished steel units you got in 2015 are going to make you look as out-of-date as an I love Gregg Wallace t-shirt.
The good news is I read that on a posh English lifestyle website where nostalgia is always in fashion. So don’t change your kitchen just yet — wait until that micro-celebrity you follow on Instagram does it and then make your move. It’s how your run your life now and there is nothing I can do about it.
A word on commuter towns. Midleton, Ballincollig and Glanmire continue to be des-res for gowls who can’t afford to live inside the ring road, for reasons that continue to baffle scientists and people of good taste. I get a lot of people asking when Blarney is going to join this list. My reply is never. Blarney has only one thing in its favour — it isn’t Tower. And that’s not enough.
I’d put my money on Youghal. The Greens are almost gone, which means the government will stop turning Ireland into one giant Greenway. This is bad news for people who sell coffee out of a horsebox, but it’s a gift for plans to reopen old railway lines that had been ‘Greenwayed’. (If that isn’t a word, it should be.)
All this means big change for people who usually snigger at any mention of the word Youghal. A train line to Cork will turn it into Brighton, but with a sandy beach. If you can get beyond the stench when an easterly brings air across from Waterford, this could be your dream buy in 2025.
Finally, a word for you wannabe empty nesters. You wouldn’t believe the number of letters I get that read: "Dear Audrey, My 32-year-old daughter is still living at home with us. Thank God for that. Her father and my husband says he can’t wait for her to move out so we can get back to the kind of sex-life we had in our 30s. I’d rather lick the street in Kilmallock. Do you think house prices will come down enough in 2025 for my daughter to afford a place of her own? Agatha, Bishopstown.’"
Good news Agatha — your daughter will be living with you for another few years. I hope she isn’t to upset to hear this. In fairness, she grew up in Bishopstown, so she’s probably used to disappointment.
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