Keep your cool in the sun with our barbecue etiquette guide

Explorer Bear Grylls has said: 'My favourite moments? Where it's all going swimmingly, the sun's out and I've got a fire going and a nice snake on the barbecue'

Who doesn’t love smoked food in the great outdoors? Picture: iStock

Barbecues are popular with every age group and are the quintessential scent of summer — and will be particularly in vogue as temperatures soar this weekend.

It’s a comfortable entertaining fit for most of us, keeping wanderers out of the house, and reducing slops of Beaujolais on the cream carpet. 

As the late, great Anthony Bourdain purred: “Barbecue may not be the road to world peace, but it’s a start.”

With a hint of the unexpected adventure of camping, it brings out the youngster in the most middle-aged soul. So, with our toes in the breeze and our manners slackened by the al-fresco setting, how should we behave beneath heaven’s canopy? 

Like all gatherings, success relies on a two-way street of genuine old-style graciousness, and it’s a shortlist of essentials anyone can manage. By the time the midges or rain showers drive us indoors, everyone’s tails should be wagging.

Grant Harrold, self-titled in his wildly popular blog The Royal Butler, is a leading UK etiquette expert, working with and advising British royalty and aristocrats across the world. He was a member of the household of the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall, who I’m sure personally rolled the odd Cumberland sausage over a hot grill at Highgrove House. Despite trying to drop to a casual outdoor mode, dress etiquette is unstinting in Grant’s book. 

“Let’s not ask guests to wear black or white tie, but at the same time don’t allow the guest to under-dress. Perhaps a smart pair of chinos or tailored shorts with open-neck shirts and boat shoes. Never allow crocs, which sound like something from the local freshwater park.”

So, stop them smartly at the garden gate and demand the removal of all under-class shoes? No, seriously don’t. The first rule of all etiquette in terms of being a host (I’m sure Grant would agree if we tussled politely over it) is to make your guests feel completely welcome and utterly relaxed. That doesn’t rely on the genre of their outfit. I was greeted by a Levi-clad acquaintance at the door of her home with a giggling shriek of “Well, look at YOU, all gussied up!” for a summer supper thing. I spent the rest of the night blushing in my fluttering maxi dress. 

As a guest, ask ahead if you’re concerned the garden party might be semi-formal. If you do find yourself swathed too casual — chin up and fake it. Don’t refer to your outfit at all. A study in 2016 by Dr Vivek Nityananda, a research associate at Newcastle University, reveals just how instinctual we are. “If you can fake confidence, and even if it’s self-deceptive, people will still perceive you in a better light.” 

Tidy yourself up as best you can, get in there, mingle and forget about your disparate duds. You were invited for you. As Wilde said: “People are either charming or tedious.” You are wanted.

Never be early. This is one of my personal, pet hates when having even a single guest to anything. It tends to be an offence committed by people you know least on the invite list. All but alone, there’s a horrible, enforced intimacy. 

At least with close pals and family, you can press them into a chore. Cringing on the paving slabs, you’re trying to seize the ankle-nipping Russell, finish the nibbles, and drag the bins out of sight behind the hydrangeas. 

Yelling cheery instructions from the kitchen to “make yourself at home” — it’s irritating to have to entertain a couple of virtual strangers who rock up half an hour early. Being slightly late is actually more acceptable, but don’t be tardy by more than, say, 15 minutes. If that’s impossible — that’s what text messaging is for. Fluid gatherings with lots of guests coming and going, are more affable to lateness. 

If you are seriously stalled for a sit-down event, insist that everyone eats to suit the host’s plan, be gracious and apologetic. Keep in mind, that being late may push your parking spot a third of a kilometre down the road.

So, what to bring? It does not have to be something big, but food or drink that actually contributes to the enjoyment and expense of the day, is fantastic — open a conversation. It could be some homemade goodies you know that guest excels at preparing (a compliment woven into the invite) or it could be a bottle of the wine they would prefer to have during the afternoon. Don’t ask for something expensive or awkward to find or make.

As a guest, never arrive empty-handed (even when you’re told to), and try to bring an item that clearly took some thought. If it relates to the hosts favourite food/wine/plants whatever — ideal. Don’t be too personal with household stuff for someone you don’t know well. We can all spot the supermarket flowers or dusted off gift candle shelved from Christmas. If the occasion is “adults only” — don’t gift three-year-old Tarquin and his talking toadstool tablet. If the sitter lets you down, stay home.

When you arrive, find yourself a drink if you want one. Unless asked, stay out of the kitchen and private areas of the home including bedrooms. Poking around without encouragement (and honestly even when told you can) it reads as a bit creepy. 

If you have a dietary requirement (are vegan, pescatarian or vegetarian) flag this in the days ahead of the garden gathering. It’s not alright to pull rue faces on the day if the host had no idea you were violently allergic to pesto.

Only eating and drinking what you brought? Muscling in to the cooking area to show them how it’s done at your legendary events? Don’t expect to be asked back. Never get drunk. Grassy going is uneven and shadowy after dusk. That hilarious face-plant in Ronan’s sand pit will never be forgotten (it might pop up on social media too). Still, no-one expects perfect behaviour.

Iconic wit Dorothy Parker remarked of her Vicious Circle: “Those who have mastered etiquette, who are entirely, impeccably right, would seem to arrive at a point of exquisite dullness.” Relax if things don’t go to plan.

The basics

Be kind — this is the kernel of all good manners. Offer genuine compliments, but don’t pertly review the house and garden, lightly criticising their children’s behaviour, making comparisons or humble boasts about what you’ve done with your place. Take it easy. Yes, they may be house-proud, but this is not Home of the Year it’s a social get together. Withholding remarks about obvious improvements — like a 30sq m extension or a vast pond rippling with koi — could be perceived as passive-aggressive on your part. As host, barbecues raise the expectations of sticky, finger-licking food, so put in some practice if you’re not familiar with its demands.

Ensure the cooking area is safe from passing foot traffic, as Derek from accounts might not be as steady on his open-toed sandals after three mint juleps. Poulet noir with a bloody centre is both dangerous and inedible, but a little charring is scrumptious. 

Who doesn’t love smoked food in the great outdoors? Explorer and outdoor skill trainer Bear Grylls writes: “My favourite moments? Where it’s all going swimmingly, the sun’s out and I’ve got a fire going and a nice snake on the barbecue.” Bliss.