Is this the final tap?

I WAS shocked to hear that Chelsea were taken to task for “tapping up” Ashley Cole.

How does he do it? Just how the hell does Mr Jose More-Ego do it?

I am waiting for three months for a plumber, and still no joy. Gunners manager Arsie Whinger says Ashley Cole is laid back. Does this mean when he's not playing football he doesn't do a tap? I am confused by all this, so I'm going for a lie down with my favourite tape Riverdance. Oh, no, not another tap!