Irish Examiner view: Dangers of the cult of ‘supermum’

New research backs up the notion that mothers — and perhaps women in general — tend to judge themselves too harshly

It's nearly half a century since Shirley Conran published 'Superwoman' — long before we started comparing ourselves to unattainable visions of perfection on social media. Picture: Fiona Hanson/PA

Peer pressure

It was never easy, but now is a very difficult time to be a parent. The world is full of inexplicable images of inhumanity; there are huge, and unresolved, challenges in managing the planet; the cost of living is an ever-growing source of anxiety; information reaches young people through the often malign filters of social media.

Amidst all this, heavy responsibilities frequently fall to mothers, especially challenging in one-parent families which have been increasing in the Republic in recent years. And yet the very people who are fundamental to the well-being of current and future generations can be undermined by images of competence and perfection which surround them.

New research (sample size 1,030 mothers with children between the ages of 0-16) commissioned by Bupa UK in January found that unrealistic portrayals of motherhood in culture and on social media have an insidious impact on self-esteem. In particular the prevalent and pervasive image and description of “supermums” is not only detrimental but can prevent requests for help with anxiety and mental health.

In the survey, 63% of mothers agreed that they were exhausted with the pressure to be a ‘supermum’, with one in five saying the plight has affected their mental wellbeing.

Fears of exposing their imperfections to judgemental opinions also leads to mothers masking or ‘filtering’ their lives. Almost one in three said it makes them put on a facade to help them appear infallible, 43% acknowledged they struggle to ask even their partner for support, and 29% agreed they have sought help from a medical professional for mental health concerns, but kept it a secret from loved ones.

Half of mothers surveyed said influencers on social media, celebrity posts (48%), and social posts from other mums (47%) made them feel they had to live up to unrealistic standards.

A third said the depiction of motherhood on reality TV influences their expectations, and 23% cited newspapers and magazines as fuelling a perceived need to “be perfect”.

Another consequence is the guilt that mothers can feel when they take time out for themselves. Even when there is an opportunity to enjoy a break, 81% chose to do household chores such as cooking, housework, or admin rather than relaxing. Downtime should be used productively is the message. The second highest proportion of “free time” was spent in watching TV, internet surfing, or catching up with social media.

It’s nearly 50 years since Shirley Conran wrote Superwoman, which was full of helpful tips on how women could manage both work and motherhood efficiently. It included the immortal advice that “life is too short to stuff a mushroom”. But this was before the days when people would open themselves to the gaze of others via the internet. While that has produced some advantages in terms of insight, it has also generated peer group pressure and rapid feedback based on a hierarchy of false comparisons. 

As Mother’s Day approaches next weekend, it is time for a rethink and a reset.