I bought a book by Noam Chomsky, my next job is to actually read it

Getting yourself involved in some highbrow discourse can be challenging, whether it's in a trendy cafe or on the playground

My book purchase plucked from a Vibes and Scribes’ shelf was moved seamlessly on to my own shelf at home, without being opened.

I was in Vibes and Scribes, buying 'On Palestine' by Noam Chomsky while wishing more people were around to watch me do so. There was one other customer in the store but she was too busy browsing fiction to pay any attention to me or Noam.

At the very least, I hoped that the shop assistant would swoon over my intellectual purchase. She just asked if I needed a bag and went about fulfilling the transaction. I considered a throwaway line like "I love his work" to draw more attention to it.

For those unfamiliar with Noam Chomsky, he is a modern-day philosopher, often cited as the 'father of modern linguistics'. There's nothing too crazy about buying a Chomsky book. But he is one of those writers where 90% of the appeal comes from saying you've read their book. He's in a similar class to Tolstoy, Jane Austen or James Joyce. I don't think there's a person alive who would read Ulysses if they couldn't tell anyone about it.

The reason I bought the book wasn't because I'm some haughty intellect. Quite the opposite. I bought it because I'm tragically out of touch with the world around me and I was being reminded of my ignorance on a daily basis.

Hip placement

There's a café near where I live that is, quite possibly, the cultural centre of Cork City. All of the customers there are so earthy and hip. I've no doubt that the majority of clientele grow their own veg and read poetry for pleasure.

For a period, a Palestinian flag flew above the café and its presence was a constant reminder of my unworldliness. The war in Palestine was one of those things that was too far outside my self-involved echo chamber for me to know much about.

There was a deeper psychological issue at play also. Being out of touch with current events brought me back to the schoolyard, where knowing less than others could be so cruelly pounced upon.

In those days, intellectual shortcomings had to do with newly discovered explicit terms. If you were absent from school, the few days you missed could be when everyone learned some new dirty word. At 10 years old, you'd be the pariah who didn't know what 'virgin' or 'frigid' meant.

One kid missed school when we all found out about sexual positions. When asked his favourite position, he replied "corner forward" and had to endure the 90s equivalent of becoming a meme.

Of course, none of us had favourite positions but that was beside the point. Back then, kids would ask questions specifically to catch you out. At age eight, I returned to class after missing a week of school. When the first thing my classmates asked me was, "Are you a Mars or a Snickers?" I feared the worst.

Tentatively I chose Snickers and was quickly mocked for "liking nuts''. Of course, if I had opted for Mars they would have laughed at me for "having no nuts". Looking back, neither was bad. But for eight-year-old Kerry boys, whose only acceptable orientation was sports-mad-asexual, possessing no testicles or being attracted to them was social suicide.

In my teens, I realised that the best way to avoid such awkward situations was to fake assertiveness. Whenever I was asked about something I’d respond confidently, “Well obviously I know. Don't you?” This call-your-bluff strategy comes off a tad strange in adulthood.

My cluelessness continued throughout my life. The categories of ignorance matured slightly and so did my deflection strategies. Instead of calling their bluff, I'd simply change the subject, usually by asking a personal question. "Enough about what's going on in Iraq. I want to know what's going on with you. How have you been?"

After finishing university, it dawned on me that I was now a grown-up and should know about grown-up things and the world around me. I took it upon myself to go on little Google adventures where I would fill in the Iraq-sized gaps in my intellect.

Who fought in the Vietnam War? And the American Civil War? What's happening in Syria? What was the Watergate Scandal? Why do people wear Che Guevara t-shirts? Was Mao a goodie or baddie?

I kept this going for a while but found it difficult to maintain. There was simply too much going on. At some point, I read a quote that was oddly freeing. It said that "only day traders and the President of the United States need to keep up-to-date on everything at all times." I latched on to this advice and retreated blissfully into my bubble of ignorance.

But every now and again something happens that forces me to reassess my stance. It could be a dinner party where everyone is as well-versed on a topic as a BBC panellist. Or it could be a flag flying over a café, whose inner circle I so desperately want to infiltrate.

And what is happening in Palestine, you ask?

Well, I bought a book by Noam Chomsky, so obviously I know all about it. You can ignore the fact that it's still on my shelf in mint condition and wholly un-dogeared. I hardly bought it just for show. That'd be a bit pretentious.

But enough about that. How's the family? Everyone's doing well I hope?