Coleman Noctor: No child should fear an adult but are we now facing a lack of respect?

Management of aggressive behaviour begins with early boundaries in childhood, writes Colman Noctor

There have been a number of reports of violent behaviour amongst teenagers, and this is not specific to the pandemic and the subsequent lockdowns.

A RECENT report indicated there is a 20% increase in reports of domestic assaults in Cork City compared to last year and speaking to Garda colleagues, this might well be representative of the wider national picture.

A lot was spoken about the impact of the rolling lockdowns on victims of domestic abuse, where people were cooped up in their homes for long periods,
with no access of escape and an increase in alcohol intake at home too. But it seems this trend is not abating post lockdown and the alarming news stories of violent assaults and murder continue to appear with grim regularity.

There have also been a number of reports of violent behaviour amongst teenagers, and this is not specific to the pandemic and the subsequent lockdowns.

My colleagues and I have commented previously on the anecdotal observations from our clinical work of increasingly aggressive behaviour in young people.

Getting definitive evidence on what causes someone to act in a violent way is hard to establish but most agree that the main predictors are exposure to violent behaviour at home or in their community, a history of violent behaviour or abuse. There are some other theories about the influence of violent imagery like shooting games or movies, but these variables are even more difficult to establish any cause or effect.

I have worked with children and families for over 20 years and one trend that I have observed is an increase in child to parent violence, which often will not be represented in the national statistics.

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I have met numerous parents who live in fear of their children because of threats or a history of violence. Many of these families have never, and would never contact the authorities about this for fear of their child getting a criminal record, or more often because they are embarrassed and ashamed that it is happening.

These incidents tend to leave parents in a position of paralysis where the child/ teenager has full control of the home and dictates what happens, how they will be treated and the atmosphere and tone of the family home.

This is not relating to children or teenagers with specific additional needs, where challenging behaviour is a component of their struggle with communication or understanding of the world.

These are teenagers who, to the outside world, may seem utterly normal. They often engage in underage drinking which can exacerbate the problems at home. Parents commonly use the phrase “street angel, house devil”, when describing this behaviour.

There are also other incidences where secondary school teachers have spoken to me of their fears of some of their pupils in school who may pose as a violent threat.

There are many incidences where experienced teachers have used the phrase, “there is no fear of teachers anymore” and this is leading to more disrespectful and hostile behaviours in the classroom.

This is where the dilemma begins: Nobody would suggest any child should live in fear of anyone, be it teacher, parent or anyone in authority. But has the decrease in fear of adults such as parents and teachers coincided with a lack of respect?

Surely expecting that a teenager would respect the adults in their lives and believe that any sort of threatening behaviour is unacceptable is not an infringement of their rights, but merely a mark of respect and a good value system?

Dial flipped

We have collectively borne the brunt of a culture where children were silenced by fear and our history of systemic abuse of children in institutions where they were supposed to be cared for is well known.

However, one wonders if the dial has flipped the other way and whether an effort to encourage self belief and one’s rights has resulted in a corresponding lack of respect and decorum.

I wonder if that is true of the adult population too? We are hearing more and more about adults behaving poorly in children’s sport and hurling abuse at referees.

If children see the grown ups in their lives behaving in this way, then surely this is perceived as a licence to act that way too. 

The awful scenes in Croke Park on Sunday at our national game are a case in point of how adult behaviour impacts on children. I can only assume that thousands of children watched what unfolded in the tunnel and thought, well if my heroes can do it, then so can I.

Management of aggressive behaviour begins in childhood. The value system of every family needs to have a clear line around what is acceptable and what is not. We can understand a child’s frustration and upset, without condoning violence as a means of coping with it.

When parents in the situation described earlier ask, “where do we start”, when it comes to managing a violent teenager, the answer is often “six years ago”.

We need to invest heavily in concepts of respect and boundaries for young people. In communicating the message, “you can be anything you want to be”, we need to add a disclaimer that this does not involve free reign to do what they want to other people in the process.

If you have a violent teenager at home, you need to institute boundaries that clearly state that is not acceptable and if that has to involve contacting the Gardai, then so be it.

Violent behaviour will continue as long as it seems to be serving a purpose of getting what the person wants, or if it goes without sanction.

This is why as a society we need to continue to champion children to use their voice, challenge oppression and vocalise their views. But, it is as important to teach them that this needs to be done respectfully and that there are lines that we do not cross, in person or online.

The clarity of a value system needs to be backed up with coherent parental behaviour. Therefore when our child does something wrong in school, we as parents need to support the school to deliver whatever sanctions are appropriate and not jump to the “not my Johnny defence”.

Children and young people will make mistakes. They will make poor judgement calls and at times act in ways that are unacceptable. How we as the grown ups in the room respond to those incidents, determines future behaviours.

Therefore clarity around values and what is acceptable and not acceptable need to be clear and any breaches need to be managed proactively if we are to encourage our children to engage in the world in a strong, assertive but respectful manner.

Colman Noctor is a child and adolescent psychoanalytical psychotherapist.