Covid Christmas: How to handle family differences over restrictions

Restricting contact and setting boundaries with family is never easy, and this is particularly difficult if you disagree on Covid regulations, writes Catherine Hallissey

Rather than focusing on what you can’t do this year, try to see this as an opportunity to create new traditions.

Christmas is one of the most family-oriented times of the year. It's a time of high expectations and pressure to create the perfect celebration and get-togethers with loved ones. 

Yet, anytime families spend long periods together, conflict is more likely. 

Overspending, being stuck indoors, not exercising, late nights, too much alcohol and claustrophobic family gatherings, all contribute to Christmas Day being the day that you're most likely to have a family bust-up. 

Marital strife and domestic violence increase during Christmas in ordinary times. And 2020 is no ordinary year.

The news of the travel ban between the UK and Ireland was a huge shock to many here in Ireland. 

For those who were expecting loved ones back in time for Christmas and for those over in the UK planning to fly home, this was a crushing blow. 

Others have been questioning whether they should even have been traveling in the first place as they had not given sufficient time to adhere to the guidelines on self-isolation. 

Up until now, this was a question for personal judgment and individual approach to risk and guidelines. 

With the travel ban now in place, questions are being raised about how different people are managing risk this Christmas.

It's not easy to let go of traditions and the choices that we're all facing right now are extremely challenging. We know that the safest thing to do is to limit our contacts and not meet up with others. 

However, this is a difficult choice for many to make. For some, guidelines and regulations don't seem to matter: they appear to consider themselves immune from Covid and exempt from the guidelines. 

This can greatly increase stress for extended family attempting to safely navigate Christmas 2020. Restricting contact and setting boundaries with family is never easy. 

This is particularly difficult if you disagree on Covid regulations.

Try these strategies to help your Christmas season go smoothly:

Planning 

Get clear on what you want this Christmas. Think about the precautions you need to take to keep you and your family safe. Think about your needs for safety and your comfort with risk. 

Think about the logistics such as mask-wearing, hand-sanitising and physical distancing during the Christmas season. If you plan to have guests, consider rearranging furniture to support physical distancing, ensure you have hand sanitiser around the house and even spare masks on hand should you need them.

Clear communication 

Once you know what you want to do this Christmas, clearly communicate this to all key family members in advance of the big day. If you are going to meet friends and family, be clear and direct as you discuss safety measures in advance. 

That way, everybody knows what to expect and there will be fewer surprises. You may feel awkward bringing it up, but getting ahead of it can offset potential difficulties on the day.

Speak and listen with empathy and compassion when talking to family members who do not share your views, remember that, as with all controversial and difficult topics, good communication, empathy and compassion are key. 

Ensure you are realistic in terms of your expectations about how your family will respond to your requests. 

Steer clear of trying to convince them of your views and focus instead on sharing your feelings and the precautions that feel right for you.

Let your loved ones know that you’re worried about Covid. Tell them that they are important to you, that you're looking forward to a time when you can meet again and that, for now, you’re focusing on trying to stay safe.

If your loved ones are more cautious than you, respect their boundaries and do not try to convince them to relax their views to accommodate you. Remember that we all respond to stress in different ways and fear can lead to an increased need for control.

If the conversation takes a turn for the worse, press the pause button. Listen, listen, listen before you respond. 

Try to understand the other person's perspective and allow them to express their feelings, even if you don't agree with their reasoning. 

Remind yourself that the conflicting beliefs are just one aspect of the person and does not sum them up in their entirety. Stay away from blaming, shaming, or passive-aggressive behaviour. 

Instead, firmly state your views with empathy and compassion for the other person. And then practice radical acceptance of differing opinions!

Find new ways to make Christmas special 

Remember it's okay to postpone family gatherings if needs be. Don't put yourself in situations that are going to lead to problems and conflict. 

Child psychologist Catherine Hallissey

Be proactive and find new ways to make this Christmas time special. 

Rather than focusing on what you can’t do this year, try to see this as an opportunity to create new traditions.

Keep it in perspective. 

We need to remember that Christmas is just one day, and it's not going to be our last chance to get together with loved ones. 

Eventually, we will get on top of this. 

The vaccine is on its way and we live in hope that it's going to be really effective. Consider asking yourself who you want to be this Christmas? 

How do you want to show your love to family, even if you don’t always agree? 

Eventually, life will return to normal and we've got to make sure that we still have our relationships intact after this is all over.