Law must support healthy relationships

Dan Buckley speaks to a solicitor about the effect of divorce on the family as her book on the subject is launched

WHEN solicitor Helen Collins was studying for a law degree at University College Cork there was no such thing as divorce in Ireland although there was, inevitably, plenty of unhappy marriages.

The Family Law (Divorce) Act of 1996 changed all that, allowing couples to end their marriage without rancour or bitterness. At least, that was the idea behind the legislation which trumpeted a “no fault” system where the grounds for divorce were predicated solely on lengthy separation.

Under the Act, you don’t have to prove infidelity, cruelty or even incompatibility. All you have to do is live apart for four out of the past five years — a practical limitation designed to circumvent circumstances in which warring couples are reconciled.

Justice Minister Alan Shatter was one of the architects of that legislation which was designed to remove unnecessary conflict from divorce proceedings.

The only trouble is that the Act operates within the straitjacket of an adversarial legal system that relies on courtroom jousting and pits one side against the other, thereby promoting conflict and nullifying collaboration. According to Helen, it is ill-suited to facilitating a peaceful and dignified severing of marital ties and above all, protecting the children of the marriage.

“I am not against our adversarial legal system,” says Helen who practises in Skibbereen, Co Cork, and is a partner in the firm of Wolfe & Co, specialising in mediation and collaborative law.

“I believe it has served our democracy well, but separation and divorce is a huge trauma for the family experiencing it and placing it in the grip of the adversarial court system practically guarantees the destruction of the family relationship.”

It is the effect of divorce on children that concerns Helen most.

“Research shows that children can cope with divorce and separation. They will, of course, be very sad but they will be able to handle it, depending on how it is managed and the level of conflict surrounding the proceedings.”

It is essential, she feels, that parents tell the children together of their decision to separate and give them as much reassurance as they can, in the circumstances.

“The way it is managed and the level of conflict around it determines the damage to the children. The greater the conflict, the more damage it will cause. If the parents tell the children together and reassure them on an emotional and practical level, that will be the beginning of co-parenting going forward.

“The children will know they still have a mum and dad, despite the couple’s differences. If the parents can hold the children separate from their own collapsing relationship that will help to preserve the family and ensure its survival.

“The adversarial system is a win-lose one, but what we need in divorce proceedings is a win-win situation that holds the family central. I am not saying it is easy as there is trauma and shock involved for everyone. There could be perceived or actual betrayals, so it is very hard to keep a balance. But it is when you forget to put the family first that things go haywire.”

The couple, too, suffer, says Helen, who is a founding member of the Association of Collaborative Practitioners and whose book, A Short Guide to Divorce Law in Ireland was launched yesterday by Minister Shatter.

As she has seen from dealing with hundreds of family law clients, divorce is one of the most stressful events in a person’s life. “In times of crisis it is important for people to develop an awareness of the strong emotions driving their behaviour.”

Her book is intended to encourage an understanding of the powerful forces at play in the family when a relationship breaks down and to help those involved make better and healthier decisions for themselves and their children.

“Divorce is recognised by psychologists as a full-blown bereavement,” says Helen. “We are very good in Ireland at helping those who have to cope with the death of a loved one. We encourage those affected to take stock and not to make any major decisions, yet when it comes to divorce we expect people to make some of the biggest decisions of their lives at a time when they are least able to cope.

“Divorce has been with us for almost 20 years yet, in many ways, we, as a society, are still very new to it. We are much more understanding as a society when it comes to death.

“Parents are parents for life and it is imperative that our family law system actively supports and nurtures an ongoing healthy parental relationship. It is imperative for the emotional, mental and physical well-being of our next generation.

“We owe it to our children.”

A Short Guide to Divorce Law in Ireland by Helen Collins is on sale at €14.95.