By George, the Tories are a good example for Fianna Fáil

SPANKING or banking? That was the question one wag on the phones at the British Treasury was asking journalists this week, so as to ascertain which subject they were enquiring about.

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne was back under the spotlight after renewed allegations from dominatrix Natalie Rowe that he snorted a “big fat line of cocaine” in front of her.

The chancellor has dismissed a 1994 picture of him with his arm around Rowe — who ran the Black Beauties escort agency, which charged £350 for S&M sex — behind a table dusted with white powder.

Osborne, once dubbed ‘boy George,’ said he was innocent and would not be “distracted” by the claims as he was busy trying to reform Britain’s banking system.

Those reforms are sorely needed as a London trader was accused of blowing a €1.4bn hole in his bank’s balance sheet through one reckless throw of the dice — rumours that Fianna Fáil have now approached the man to become their new finance adviser are, of course, absurd.

But why would such a move be that far from reality, given the amazing ability of Micheal Martin and his not-so-merry men to embrace disaster?

Though very different from the allegations swirling around Osborne, Fianna Fáil did take a real spanking from voters over their ruinous banking policies — but they have no need to employ the services of a dominatrix as they do such a fine line in self-flagellation themselves.

And so Fianna Fáil’s very public, political nervous breakdown continues to fascinate and alarm in equal measure.

Just when you think this party could not possibly become more chaotic, it always manages to find another level of calamity to which to descend.

So, step forward self-proposed saviour of the soldiers of destiny, Senator Labrhas Ó Murchu.

Even hard-line conservatives in Fianna Fáil find Ó Murchu, 72, right-wing, so he is not quite the moderate, touchy-feely fresh face of the future Martin was probably hoping for as the surging senator attempts to become the party’s unofficial standard bearer for the Aras — delivering a huge blow to what’s left of poor Micheal’s credibility in the process.

And given Ó Murchu’s breaking of ranks in the Senate to oppose civil partnerships, it is ironic he needs the backing of a Dáil FF party now so openly same-sex after it failed to get a single female candidate over the line at the general election.

But, as Martin sniffily indicated at the time, that was the voters fault — not his.

And it’s that air of haughty delusion that will forever hold the FF-ers back — which is why they might do worse than looking across the water at what the chancellor has achieved.

Whatever Osborne did, or did not do, with Ms Rowe — and, of course, it’s perfectly plausible that a dominatrix would have completely innocent amounts of totally legal white powder lying about the place — he is one of the architects of the successful rebranding of the previously toxic Tories.

The once-dominant political force of British politics has finally crawled back into government after 13 years in the wilderness — but only after many, long dark nights of the soul, and grim self-assessments which saw them admit they had become ‘The Nasty Party’ and needed a massive change in attitude and outlook.

FF are still in the delusional stage and refuse to admit they did anything wrong — ever. It was all the fault of outside forces — Lehman Brothers, the IMF — never them.

And let’s not forget that it was Osborne, the heir to the baronetcy of Ballentaylor, Co Tipperary, and imbued with absentee landlord DNA to his manicured finger tips, to whom Fianna Fáil turned for an €8.4bn loan as they surrendered national sovereignty last November.

The self-styled guardians of the Republican ideal taking the Queen’s schilling — the irony, the tragedy.

The party’s long political nervous breakdown took hold in earnest with the denial culture regarding Bertie Ahern’s tortuous testimony to the Mahon corruption probe.

Day after day of extraordinary, and at times unbelievable, evidence coughed-up by Bertie in the witness box about how all those strange bundles of cash ended up in his 23 bank accounts, while he was finance minister, would inevitably be followed by the likes of Martin fanning out across the TV and radio stations to defend their boss in the face of mounting public incredulity and anger.

This continued through, first, Brian Cowen’s recession-denial, then, when it was too late to avert a slump, a series of cack-handed emergency budgets, leading to the forced intervention of the IMF and subsequent surrender of national sovereignty.

And with that sovereignty seemed to go the last vestige of any sense of reality or rationality in the party, and it was finally sent away by vengeful voters in February for a very long convalescence in the wilderness.

It is risible for Martin to complain about the political cynicism of the coalition government when he built that whole, disastrous general election campaign on the most base political cynicism by expecting people to buy the idea that nothing involved in the previous 14 years of bubble boom and bust was anything to do with him or his party.

Unless he gains the nerve to deliver a Tory-style ‘fess-up over the many and varied mistakes of the past, his party is going nowhere — except further into irrelevance.

And that is alarming from a democratic point of view as a Government with such a massive Dáil majority needs someone to keep it in check and prevent a Fianna Fáil-esque collapse into arrogance and complacency.

It is increasingly clear Martin is not the man for the job. The presidential-selection car crash he has presided over is merely the latest lamentable diktat to blow-up in his face.

But at least, unlike Osborne, a coke habit is one charge not being levelled at Fianna Fáilers. Indeed, the party didn’t even have the funds to pay for a complimentary packet of biscuits at its Tallaght think-in, so class As would no doubt be beyond the price range, even if the will was there — and anyway, FF high command is already able to inhabit an alternate reality without the stimulus of any outside chemicals.

Martin seems to have taken on the curse of Cowen as the rump of the once-dominant party he inherited lurches repeatedly from turmoil to tragi-farce and back again.

*Follow me on Twitter @Shaunconnolly01