Joyce Fegan: Forget the one-size-fits-all festive narrative and do what works for you

It's not all about giving and receiving, some people struggle around Christmas time.

By this day next week, you will likely be, depending on the kind of person you are, wrapping up the last of your presents or, buying the first tranche of them, when there will be just one day to go to Christmas Eve.

Whichever camp you fall into, or even if you land somewhere between the two, it's also likely that you'll have by this stage, been confronted with every emotion on the pie chart in the lead-up to The Big Day. Christmas, you see, has been on sale since the week of November 25 — the day the Late Late Toy Show aired. That's three weeks of 'Fairytale of New York' in our ears with another to go.

Just like Shane MacGowan and Kirsty MacColl's enduring work of art, Christmas, like life, is a bit more shades of grey than one red-and-green colour palette fits all.

There's a lady in my local community you're always glad to meet. She constantly appears busy, but not in a "I'm-trying-to-avoid-you" sort of way. She's busy with her life, and walk any distance down the road with her and you'll soon find out you're not the only one who's glad to see her coming.

Her cheery disposition and her stamped-and-addressed Christmas cards in the undercarriage of her grandchild's buggy, lulls you into a warm sense of security. All is rosy in her quarters. Christmas will be just as rosy. Not that she's the kind of character where "well, are you all set for the Christmas?" cuts the mustard, but it comes up in the background nonetheless. You remember her husband is living with a terminal illness as idle chat passes back and forth.

Christmas is not like the ads.

And that's just one shade of grey this festive season.

A friend who, this week, departs for warmer pastures for very legitimate reasons, plainly stated that: "Christmas is family." Well it's marketed solely as such. 

Never in those epic TV ads of returning prodigal sons, piping hot puddings smothered in fresh cream, and tables not large enough to cater for the numbers, do we see any relational friction, anyone in grief, or the sight of a bank account alarmingly in the red.

Not that things are all doom and gloom either, but it's fair to remember that most people's Christmases differ wildly from this one set narrative.

Estrangement

On the furthest end of the spectrum there's major family dysfunction that causes estrangement, and statistics both in the UK and the US speak to its unspoken prevalence. 

In the US one in four, or 27% of adults experience estrangement. And in the UK, the charity Stand Alone, which supports people estranged from their families, estimates that up to one in five families experience estrangement, or, that more than 5m people in the UK have decided to cease contact with at least one family member.

Experts in this area say for people in these situations, concerns about Christmas start months in advance, not just in November.

At the other end of the scale, where relations are good, individuals in these situations might be going through their own unique challenges that those around lack the knowledge of or lived experience in.

There's the invisibility of infertility. The HSE estimates that about one in six heterosexual couples in Ireland may experience infertility. It's not exactly a talking point at any time of year. And it's not something people typically seek solace for in the middle of the journey to conception, they might refer to it discreetly afterwards, to support someone in a similar circumstance.

But it is most definitely not a Christmas conversation. No one wants to be asked about family planning, infertility or otherwise, it's not up there with the weather. It's off limits. And for someone in the midst of it, it can be felt even more acutely at this time of year, as others share their pride and joys, as they hopefully await theirs.

Domestic abuse

The New York Times bestselling poet Kate Baer this week did a call-out for funds for a woman in her local community. The woman "Sarah" works as a teacher's aide, as in she hasn't the greatest of salaries, and she has just left her home and husband "for the safety and betterment of herself and her young children".

Domestic abuse — much like the docuseries Until Death that continued airing on Virgin Media this week shows — is a perennial societal issue. It happens 24/7, 12 months of the year, and certainly not just at Christmas. But the important point is, abusers certainly don't take a break just because it's Christmas.

The problem is when the marketing machine leads us all to believe that there is one way to celebrate this much-needed mid-winter festival.

"I hoped today we could raise a little cash," wrote the American poet Baer, "for someone who has faced impossible circumstances and yet took the difficult steps to take back a life for herself and her kids".

There are people all around us in impossible circumstances, that don't let up in December, and there are people all around us taking the difficult steps.

The one-size-fits-all festive narrative certainly does not fit people literally leaving a place that is meant to be the safest, home, for safety elsewhere.

People in need

Then there are things like the chaos at the Capuchin Day Centre in Dublin City this week, where volunteers had to stop handing out tickets for hampers such was the intensity of the demand. The guards had to call a halt to the drive, after 2,800 tickets were given out supporting people in need this Christmas.

"In all my years here, it is the worst I have ever seen it, absolutely. I am shocked," said one decades-long volunteer.

And then there is grief. Your friend whose mum died this year. And this will be the first Christmas, and maybe they're now the head of the family, with their children looking to them as the holder of all traditions.

Christmas is certainly not like the ads. It's not all good pictures, and it's not all bad pictures either. It's in between and it comes in varying shades.

The problem is when the marketing machine leads us all to believe that there is one way to celebrate this much-needed mid-winter festival. The expectation this myth generates often leads people into shame: "That's not what it looks like for me", rattles around somewhere in the brain.

Decide instead what Christmas looks like for you, in reality: if there are two at the table, if there are friends at the table, if you don't want turkey at the table, if you want to take a walk in a quiet forest instead of sitting at a table. 

And if all else fails, remember there are 364 other days in the year.