Fergus Finlay: This year will be all Varadkar, Boris, and Trump, and a whole lot of wind as well
STILL AT IT: British prime minister Boris Johnson could well lend his name to a new variant of the Covid-10 virus in 2022. With added flatulence. File picture
As you know, dear readers, I go to endless trouble at this time of year to predict what the future holds for us all. Why sometimes, I even get my predictions right.
Last year, for example, I predicted that Donald Trump would viciously reject the outcome of the US presidential election. Perhaps that didn’t take much genius on my part — and I certainly wouldn’t have predicted that he’d still be at it a year later.
Most of us, I think, entered 2021 more in hope than expectation. The hope was realised in one respect — more than many other places, our sense of national solidarity survived all the ups and downs of a pretty bleak year. We’re all fed up, I know, but we’re all still hanging together in the most remarkable way. And I hope we still have the capacity to laugh in the face of whatever the new year brings.
Anyway, here’s what I think is going to happen this year. Do your worst, 2022!
There is consternation at global and national level when a new variant of the Covid virus is discovered. While the World Health Organization is deliberating on an official name for the variant, the rest of the world seizes on the nickname Boris.
This is partly because the Boris variant, scientists believe, originated from yet another super-spreader party in the back garden of 10 Downing Street. The strange thing about the new variant — and another reason the name Boris attaches so readily to it — is that one of its differentiating characteristics appears to be the onset of uncontrolled flatulence in anyone infected.
In an eerie re-occurrence of one of the earlier Covid phenomena, there is once again panic-buying of toilet paper, and shops quickly begin to report a crisis in supplies. Interviewed outside Tesco, one man pushing a trolley piled high with double-quilted paper said, “it’s probably just a precaution, but there’s three of them at home with the Boris variant, and it’s like the wind section of the symphony orchestra 24/7. The rest of us are terrified of follow through.”
But, in much more uplifting news, Wales come to Dublin for the first of the Rugby Six Nations fixtures and leave with their tails between their legs. Ireland survive a close encounter in Paris a week after that, and end the month with three wins out of three after a convincing display against Italy. The country dares to dream again.
“It’s clear,” says chief medical officer Dr Tony Holohan, “that the vaccination system is working very well against the new variant.”
He diplomatically declines to call the variant by its popular nickname. However, in a slight departure from his normal gravitas, he reassures the nation by saying “we can report that the symptoms associated with this variant are very mild. Very loud, but very mild.”
And Ireland celebrates — loudly once again — another Grand Slam. As he is lifting the trophy, It is announced that Johnny Sexton has signed a new contract with the IRFU that will see him continue as Ireland’s captain until he is 45.
The world’s public health experts arrive at a consensus that the new variant, which has now completely taken over from Omicron and Delta, has led to very few hospitalisations around the world. The head of the WHO announces that a corner may well have been turned. Johnson holds a press conference in Downing Street to declare that his efforts to bring the Boris variant about may have been the defining moment in saving the world. The effect is somewhat spoiled when he breaks wind loudly during the briefing, and then denies that he has been infected himself.
Nightclubs are opened again and are soon in full swing. It transpires however that the noise of the Boris variant on a packed dance floor means that nobody can hear the music. The Vintners Association says (for the 75th time) it needs immediate clarity from Government.
With things beginning slowly to return to normal, there is intense debate about how to mark the beginning of the Civil War, 100 years earlier, when the Four Courts were taken over by Republicans and subsequently bombed and besieged by pro-Treaty forces. There is outrage when Gerry Adams releases a video, described by Sinn Féin as an expression of his quirky sense of humour, suggesting that the best way to celebrate the whole thing would be to burn the Four Courts again.
As the entire country basks in a glorious summer, punctuated only by the sounds of farting on beaches all around the coast, it is reported that Donald Trump has launched a campaign to personally contest all 34 United States Senate seats that will be up for re-election in November. A massive fundraising campaign is launched, and by the end of August, Trump claims that a billion dollars has been raised already.
“I’m contesting bigly this time”, Trump tells an adoring rally, “probably the bigliest ever.”
As attention begins to centre on the fact that Micheál Martin and Leo Varadkar are due to change Government roles at the end of the year, Jim O’Callaghan of Fianna Fáil announces that he will put down a motion of no confidence in his party leader as soon as he stops being Taoiseach.
In his statement of intent he said: "As you know, I declined promotion under the outgoing leader two years ago, and have spent the last two years fulfilling my promise to make Fianna Fáil more attractive to young people — something the outgoing leader has signally failed to achieve.”
Asked by a somewhat perplexed press corps how he proposed to achieve more popularity, O’Callaghan announced that he would in due course unveil a radical new housing policy called “Free Houses for All Third-Level Students and their Families”.
Trump wins 20 of the 34 seats he contested, but is immediately told he can only occupy one, therefore by-elections will have to be held in the other states. He declares that this time 33 elections have been stolen from him and announces a massive march on Washington. He won’t be able to attend himself, he explains, because of a major golf tournament he’s organising that day in Florida.
![AT IT AGAIN: Taoiseach [sorry, Tánaiste] Leo Varadkar will become Taoiseach in honour of the centenary of the Oireachtas moving into Leinster House. Or maybe not. File picture: Sasko Lazarov/RollingNews](/cms_media/module_img/5623/2811582_9_articleinline_Employer_20support_20schemes_20001_1_.jpeg "AT IT AGAIN: Taoiseach [sorry, Tánaiste] Leo Varadkar will become Taoiseach in honour of the centenary of the Oireachtas moving into Leinster House. Or maybe not. File picture: Sasko Lazarov/RollingNews")
As the country commemorates the 100th anniversary of the first meeting of the Oireachtas in Leinster House, Leo Varadkar celebrates by becoming Taoiseach again. Eyebrows are raised when Richard Bruton, not known as a fan of the new Taoiseach but rumoured to be in line for advancement under the new regime, says on radio that Leo is back in his God-given place.
Meanwhile, Jim O’Callaghan withdraws his campaign for leadership of Fianna Fáil when a seconder can’t be found.
Maybe none of this will happen, maybe it all will. I’m pretty sure that we’ll get through it as long as we stick together like we always have. A happy and a safe new year.
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