The search for the next Irish president of America has yet to begin

WE’RE running out of time. With only six months to the US presidential election, one task, worryingly, has not begun: Finding Irish links to the next American president.

It’s not looking good.

On the one hand, you have Trump. Trump’s grandfather was Friedrich Trumpf, from Kallstadt in Germany.

It’s not impossible that, somehow, one of the Irish Wild Geese, having not found a decent vineyard in France, made their way over the border into the Rhineland-Palatinate, and settled down.

(That’s what Wild Geese mainly did, judging by the expensive bit of the wine shelf in my local Spar. They made wine.) Trump’s grandfather left because he figured he was never going to get much more than a labouring job, as the sixth child of … get this … a vineyard owner!!!

No, it’s too flimsy. Are there any other Irish clues in the area? A quick Google reveals an Irish pub called the Molly Malone, and their Facebook page said they were showing the Manchester Utd-Liverpool Europa League match.

That’s the most Irish thing you can do: watch two Premiership teams play. Still, though, it’s not really enough to hang a narrative off that would justify naming a motorway service station after Trump, should he become president.

Technically, of course, we don’t need him to be of Irish blood. Shur, didn’t he buy a hotel here, out of the goodness of his heart? That’s probably the moment that Michael Noonan will look back at and consider to be the start of where it all went wrong: Waiting in the cold with a harpist for Donald Trump to get out of a plane.

I’ve no doubt it’s a lovely hotel. I’ve heard all the radio ads: The seductive voice of the woman telling us that it’s time to spoil ourselves with a break. Unfortunately, when she mentions ‘Trump’, it has the effect for me of being by a swimming pool relaxing, but then inadvertently glimpsing someone’s testicle. It just spoils it.

Trump probably won’t win anyway. Although, if he did, Irish taoisigh on future St Patrick’s Days would never hand over a bowl of shamrock, with such trepidation for what he’d say. “You know, I’d like to punch you in the face for giving me such a crappy gift.”

On the other side, we have Hilary Rodham Clinton. All her people were French-Canadian, or English or Welsh.

But wasn’t Bill Irish? Unfortunately, we could never find any proof. He was definitely Ulster Scots, but that’s different.

We don’t claim the Ulster Scots ones, for some reason, even though 19 of 22 American presidents of Irish descent were Ulster-Scots. I think they might be too Protestant for us. Even though many were Presbyterian and emigrated because of high rents in the 18th century, ah, but still, though, it’s not the same.

But wasn’t Obama’s ancestor Protestant? Ah, but that’s different. Shur, he was from the Tipp-Offaly border, which was located handily within the Irish economic zone. And, anyway, that area is so Irish you could be Shinto there and it wouldn’t knock a bit out of you.

As time goes on, we need to change the focus. The day of the Irish-American president may be passing. Hispanic America is where it’s at. The Irish vote mightn’t be as important. Even Ronald Reagan didn’t want anyone knowing he was Irish before he got elected, in case it put the WASPs off.

No, we need to look at it differently. Let’s elect a few more TDs of foreign extraction and build the tourism and business links that way. In the future, China will be the world’s largest economy, Poland a European superpower, and Nigeria will have a bigger population than the USA. They’ll have a billion middle-class people between them by 2050. Let’s give them a Taoiseach to visit.