Credit for daughter’s good behaviour is Mary Berry and cakes

BY THE time you read this, my daughter will have reached the frankly astonishing age of 15 without ever having been arrested, been drunk and disorderly, self-harmed, had a psychotic episode, set the house on fire, been expelled from school, got pregnant, been caught shop lifting, or beaten anyone up, apart from her younger brother, which doesn’t count.

Obviously this incredible level of virtue could change at any minute, but until it does, I would like, as her mother and sole parent, to claim loads and loads of credit. In fact, all of it. Go me, with my law-abiding, school-attending, substance non-abusing teenager.

Although really much of the credit should go to the Great British Bake Off. The reason my 15-year-old isn’t dropping acid in double chemistry and getting her neck tattooed at break time is because she is too busy baking macaroons and lemon drizzles; she is more at risk from cake-induced diabetes than anything you can buy online that pretends to be plant food but keeps you up for three days. She is not so much a drug fiend as a bake nerd. Thank you, Mary Berry, for your input.