There are no winners in the farce that is Irish politics
AH, POLITICIANS. Aren’t they just wonderful? The award season is getting into full swing, what with the nominations for the Oscars, Grammies, and top soaps, so isn’t it time we celebrated our very own Dáil superstars?
‘Best actor in a leading role’ would, obviously, go to Taoiseach Enda Kenny, for his sterling performance in The Imitation Game, in which he imitates a national leader when he is really just a mid-division football manager facing certain relegation.
He needs to remember that his once-impressive box-office appeal is waning, as critics have warned that his decidedly hammy performance in the Dáil, when he insisted garda commissioner Martin Callinan had “resigned” and had not been effectively sacked, may well come back to haunt him.
The Academy wanted to give Gerry Adams a lifetime achievement award, but the Sinn Féin leader refused, stating that he was not, nor ever had been, a member of the Academy, even though he regularly speaks on their behalf, and shares the wider aims of the movement.
The ‘foreign drama award’ would go to Leo Varadkar, as the health minister was busy sunning himself in Miami when the long-predicted trolley crisis exploded back home.
As the Oscars always attract desperate attention-seekers, the ‘wannabe of the year’ award could only go to Lucinda Creighton, for her role in The Theory Of Everything (But Policies On Nothing), as she runs in front of every camera that has a working flash to push her alleged new party, which has everything, oh, apart from a name, anybody else of note (sorry Eddie Hobbs), or, indeed, any ideas at all.
The Oscar for ‘most touchingly naive performance of the year’ has to go to Simon Coveney for the heartbreaking outing of his bromance affections for Micheál Martin, whom he gushingly branded as “very competent”.
The love that previously had not dared speak its name certainly broke the hearts of many Fine Gaelers, who, initially, hoped they had misheard the remark “very incompetent”.
Though not a re-imagining of Brokeback Martin, the comments caused quite the stir, royally annoying current government partner, Labour, allowing Fianna Fáil the glow of decontamination for taking the nation to the brink of bankruptcy, and hugely benefiting Sinn Féin, who now have enhanced legitimacy in portraying themselves as the only alternative to the austerity agenda of the triumvirate of the establishment parties.
Speaking of which, the shiny little bald fellow — Oscar, not Michael Noonan — for ‘most unoriginal script’ would go to the finance minister for ripping-off Brian Lenihan’s post-bail-out emergency agenda and presenting it as his own.
The award for ‘most unconvincing dialogue in a continuing drama’ has to go to the Republican leadership, for urging anyone with information about the whereabouts of all the paedophiles and rapists the IRA quietly shipped south across the border to go to the gardaí with what they knew.
A cross between Judi Dench and Meryl Streep, with just a hint of the sauciness of Sarah Jessica Parker, Joan Burton is, of course, the grand dame of Irish political theatre.
After four consecutive victories as ‘best actress in a supporting role’ — when she won for acting-out support for Eamon Gilmore, when, in reality, she took every chance she could to stick the knife into him — La Burton is now up for ‘best producer’
Best producer of waffle, best producer of grand aspirations without substance, and best producer of dismal opinion poll results have seen the initial Burton Bounce slump to the Joanie Jitters.
The award for ‘achievement in tragi-farce’ is shared by dumped justice minister Alan Shatter and Martin Callinan, who, ahem, “resigned” as garda commissioner, and hero whistleblower, Maurice McCabe: they all starred in The Triangle Of Disgust, in which Callinan branded McCabe’s actions “disgusting”, Shatter backed up the top cop, leading to two of the three being swept into history, while the truth-seeking garda was vindicated in the final reel.
Mr Coveney is a double award-winner, as his overtures to Mr Martin pave the way for taking the ‘worst remake trophy’ in the form of the next trot-out for that franchise of very diminishing returns, The Hangover.
The post-election opening scene sees the Fianna Fáil boys awake in the wreckage of mass destruction of their own making, as they try to piece together the chain of disastrous decisions that led them (and the country) to this very sorry state.
Why, they even have to deal with an angry (Celtic) tiger, which they lost control of, and which then turns on them in ferocious anger.
And, as everyone who saw the disappointing, unfunny sequels to the Hollywood version knows, it is just the same plot, with the same old cast, set a couple of years on.
While predictions can prove tricky, it’s a safe bet Independent TD, Mattie McGrath, would walk away with ‘best adaptation from a foreign language’. The problem is not so much his accent, but the odd stream-of-consciousness exploding from his mouth, at scatter-gun speed, which makes observers wonder if they are, indeed, listening to the English language at all.
‘Cameo of the year’ must go to everyone’s favourite, befuddled-looking tax cheat, Mick Wallace, for his role in VatMan Returns.
The dark noir tells the story of how the Wexford TD remained unscathed, after revealing he knowingly lied to Revenue by providing under-valued Vat returns for two years when he was managing director of his construction company.
After Wallace’s company reached a €2.1m settlement with the Revenue over the matter, the TD claimed he tax-dodged in order to try and save the company from going under, yet failed to explain how this tallied with him doubling the salary paid to himself and his son, from €148,141 to €290,000, in the year ending August, 2008.
And the loser is? You, the voter.
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