‘Troika Box’ to help needy bankers

Picture if you will the scene: a pathetic swathe of humanity queues outside a feeding station in Frankfurt for life-sustaining, foreign relief aid.

Mock if you dare, but bankers are people too. These ‘poor’ people literally lost everything in the great credit famine of 2008. Now, they struggle to maintain their dignity, sports cars and second homes.

But fear not, they will not be allowed to perish.

We Irish are a beacon of Christianity amid a Christian continent. Ireland has performed the sacred duty of keeping the light of hope alive in a previous European dark age.

Our monks laid down their lives for the sake of European civilisation. So, once again it falls to us to keep banking hope and civilisation alive.

Every Irish home is asked to keep a ‘Troika Box’ on their kitchen table, to be collected on Mar 31. The urgency of the deadline cannot be over-emphasised, the bankers are starving.

We urgently need €3.1bn to avoid the bankers having to dip below the critical, lifestyle-threatening one million a year salary.

Every Irish home is expected to donate at least €100; let’s call it a ‘household donation’.

Don’t worry; much more is being donated on your behalf by the Government. And, if you are not able to sleep for thinking of the fate of the bankers, you will be able to donate much more next year as the ‘Troika Box’ will be much larger, allowing for a far higher household donation.

Each ‘Troika Box’ will have a picture of a pathetic white banker, looking as forlorn as he can (this may require the use of an actor).

The annual (forced) tradition of the dissemination of ‘Troika Boxes’ will send out a signal to the world that Ireland is open for exploitation (sorry, business), and that this country will never be allowed to stand idly by, wherever bankers are found to be credit starved.

So, be proud, be generous, your sacrifice will be ungraciously received for years to come.

Declan Doyle

Lisdowney

Kilkenny