Trouble never far away as witches predict snow and political surprises
They peer deep into the entrails of the cauldron every time they stir it, and then utter a dire prediction for next year. Stir by stir, month by month, until they have forecast all the major events of the year. Usually, they get more of their predictions right than wrong — provided, of course, that my readers interpret them correctly. Last year my three witches foretold of the great benefits that departing ministers would receive — even though their wildest surmise turned out to be well short of the actual financial bonanza that accrued to several.
I will leave it to faithful readers to determine whether they are right or wrong about next year.
January: Green Party ministers announce that the Christmas snows are final proof of dramatic climate change. The wide-ranging environmental legislation they propose is now vital, they say, and must be passed by the Dáil. They accept reluctantly that this will mean postponing the promised general election for another year. Even though they desperately want to give the people a voice, they have persuaded themselves that the interests of the environment, and environmental politicians, must come first.
February: The Taoiseach announces that there are clear signs of recovery in the construction sector, as one of the major developers has returned home from his 80-bedroom villa in Miami. He is reported to have hired an interior decorator for a major refurbishment project on the kitchen of his Ailesbury Road home. The Taoiseach says that a further six to 12 month delay in the general election is necessary to enable the recovery to take hold.
March: With the election now not scheduled until mid-2012, Ministers Lenihan (Brian) and Lenihan (Conor) are expected to make a strong bid for the Fianna Fáil leadership. Both issue statements saying they would be interested if there were ever a vacancy, but also professing their undying loyalty to the Taoiseach. Mary O’Rourke issues a press statement saying she’s had enough, and will not serve under any more wimps, even if she’s related to them.
April: A major scandal erupts when it is revealed that the interior decorator hired for the builder’s kitchen sponsored a horse at a Green Party Race Night, and in the process contributed €30 to their election fund. The party denies any wrong-doing, but its ministers resign later that day when it is discovered that the donation was in dollar bills.
Despite his strong conviction that the national interest requires further delay, the Taoiseach dissolves the Dáil.
May: In the aftermath of the most sensational election in the history of the state, the Taoiseach resigns the leadership of his party, and Willie O’Dea is elected in his place. He announces that when he has chosen a front bench from the wealth of talent available to him he will be available for talks on the formation of a government. All eight members of his parliamentary party are reported to be in line for promotion.
June: Details of a secret deal between the outgoing government and the IMF begin to leak out, and it is discovered that Ireland is debarred from having a Taoiseach whose first name begins with the letter E.
This causes a major constitutional crisis, exacerbated when eight members of the Fine Gael front bench issue a statement saying “we told you so”. Matters are eventually resolved when Enda and Eamon both change their names by deed poll.
July: Troubles facing the new Government mount when an unprecedented fortnight of snow returns, leading to the cancellation of most summer holidays and the closure of the airports. Opposition leader Deputy O’Dea blasts the Government for its “typically incompetent” failure to predict snow in July. The National Roads Authority confirms that a new delivery of salt is expected in mid-October, “just in time for the snow we were really expecting in November”, as a spokesman explains.
August: The new ministerial transport is unveiled. In future, ministers will be driven in a fleet of 1972 Morris Oxfords bought from Connemara farmers, driven by the farmers for two old shillings a mile. Ministers who need to travel abroad will be given unused air miles accumulated by the outgoing Government. Michael O’Leary issues a strong statement condemning Government waste, and offering cheap Ryanair tickets instead to their new European hub in Vladivostok.
September: As nominations close in the Presidential elections, Fianna Fáil decide to take a new approach. Leader (and now, apparently, Party President for Life) O’Dea has decided that his party can’t win the election, so he’s going to create as much mischief as possible by arranging for his councillors to nominate star candidates from around the country. Daniel O’Donnell confirms his availability, but Dickie Rock declines, because he’s already fully booked for the next 10 years.
October: After yet another hard-fought election campaign, Ireland chooses a new President, the first man to hold the office in 21 years.
In the aftermath, an editorial in this newspaper expresses confidence that the new President — “even if he is somewhat bald, a bit overweight, and occasionally uses lots of big words” — will represent the people faithfully and well.
NOVEMBER: As the climate change legislation meanders through the Dáil, Ireland basks in high temperatures, with thousands of people taking time off work to spend days by the beach. Former Minister John Gormley, from his organic vegetable stall just off Moore Street, issues a statement saying he was right all along: “I warned people that if they insisted on an election before we finished the climate change legislation this sort of thing would happen.”
December: The first green shoots of economic recovery are spotted.
International analysts and commentators confirm that the window boxes in the Department of Finance are sprouting bright healthy tulips in a highly unseasonal fashion. “This can only mean that the economy is on the mend — or else the climate is totally banjaxed,” says economist Colm McCarthy, who recommends the immediate privatisation of the entire department, to prevent any further damage to his predictions of endless doom.
Whatever about the above, I’m hoping that next year, at last, we will have an opportunity to vote in a referendum on the rights of children.
That would make 2011 memorable for a lot of right reasons, as compared with 2010, which will long be remembered for all the wrong reasons. And whatever your desires and new year resolutions might be, may I wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year.
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