My crystal ball reflects some very odd New Year political happenings

NONE of us knows, of course, what the future will bring. Did Charlie McCreevy ever think, this time last year, that he’d be pulling his next Christmas cracker in Brussels?

Did it occur to Gerry Adams that he’d be singing Silent Night to Ian Paisley? Did Martin Cullen realise that Bill Clinton wasn’t going to be the only politician to find himself in political trouble over a woman called Monica?

And what about 2005? Here’s my attempt (with apologies to Old Moore) to read the tea-leaves for the coming year. Naturally, any similarity to characters living or dead is entirely coincidental.

January: At its first meeting of the year, the Government decides to award a public relations contract to the company that can come up with the best explanation for all the PR contracts awarded in 2004, and that can put forward a programme to convince the public that more money should be spent on PR in the future. After an intense competition, conducted on an entirely independent and transparent basis, the €2 million contract is awarded to a company fronted by a former Fianna Fáil senator and two former general secretaries of the party.

February: Documents released under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that the Government has been carrying out secret tests on the e-voting system. Screens have been installed around the cabinet table, and ministers have been using the system to vote at cabinet meetings. There is great embarrassment when it is revealed that the system has been counting 16 votes at every meeting, even though the Constitution only allows 15 members of the Cabinet to vote. The confusion is eventually cleared up when a statement from the Cabinet secretariat confirms that the Taoiseach routinely votes both for and against every proposal.

March: After an amazing campaign, Ireland wins the Rugby Grand Slam by defeating England in Lansdowne Road. The atmosphere at the match had been heightened by an incident in which President Mary McAleese appeared to head-butt the English captain. However, a spokesperson for the Áras confirmed that the President was just whispering some advice on protocol to him, so that the unseemly incident of a couple of years previously wouldn’t be repeated. The Taoiseach lets it be known that he has been an ardent rugby fan all his life.

April: The retired civil servant who has been inquiring into the appointment of Monica Leech Communications to several Government offices occupied by Martin Cullen issues his report. He been unable to find any impropriety in the files surrounding the appointments. Questioned at a press conference, the civil servant explains that the reason he can find no impropriety in the files is that all the files have gone missing. The Taoiseach says he knew all along there were no questions to answer in this case, and Mr Cullen says he is now drawing a line in the sand over the whole matter.

May: The British Labour Party wins the general election, and Tony Blair commences his third term as prime minister, an all-time record for a Labour leader. The British media announce that this is surely the beginning of the end for Blair, and the tabloids run headlines announcing that Britain’s love affair with Blair is over at last. Michael Howard is sacked as Tory leader, and Margaret Thatcher comes out of retirement to take over the leadership, announcing that if elected prime minister she will declare war on France to secure the return of the Falkland Islands. She retires again before the end of the month.

June: Martin Cullen resigns after it is discovered that one of the road cleaners employed by Waterford Corporation (who also happens to be chairman of the local Fianna Fáil cumann) has been awarded a €300,000 PR contract by the Department of Transport. The minister’s explanation that the man had been working on the roads all his life and was a perfect choice to head up a PR campaign for the national roads programme, is not accepted by the Taoiseach who lets it be known that he had thought all along that the minister had questions to answer.

July: After the marching season in July, the two governments reconvene the Northern parties in another attempt to re-establish the institutions. Ian Paisley announces that he is prepared to enter into direct negotiations with Sinn Féin in return for photographs of each member of the IRA army council going to confession, together with a detailed record of the number of Hail Marys each of them had to say as a penance.

The IRA said that while photos were not on, they would allow Protestant clergymen to sit outside the confessional and count the number of rosary beads used. The Taoiseach is reported to be pessimistic about the outcome.

August: An amazing breakthrough in the Northern Ireland talks, when Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams announce that they have had secret talks about the number of decades of the rosary each member of the IRA will have to say.

The Taoiseach says he has been optimistic for some time about progress.

September: In an attempt to catch the opposition off-guard, the Government moves the writ for the Meath and Kildare by-elections on the day the Dáil returns. It is then realised that the opposition parties have been ready for six months and FF have forgotten to nominate anyone. They choose Christy Moore to contest in Kildare and Twink agrees to run for the party in Meath. FF lose both seats.

October: After a year of controversy over her refusal to publish waiting list figures, the Tánaiste unveils her new ‘patient register’. There is some scepticism in the Dáil when the register is found to contain just two names, a Ms O’Brien from Cork who has been waiting for three weeks for treatment for bunions, and a Mr O’Toole from Ballyfermot who has been on the register for a fortnight, awaiting treatment for a verucha. The Tánaiste insists that, unlike all previous lists, this one is accurate, and accuses the opposition parties of scaremongering.

November: Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea announces that he is to take over the Government’s decentralisation programme. The Met Office, the Ordnance Survey, the Four Courts and the Curragh are all to be decentralised to Limerick, and will all be manned by the army in future.

Asked how the Curragh is to be rebuilt in Limerick, the minister replies that he won’t be deflected by begrudgers.

December: Brian Cowen’s second budget has tax cuts for everyone, free theatre tickets for elderly people, all VAT and excise removed from the sale of new cars, and seven new universities are to be built in marginal constituencies. He firmly denies that he has any interest in the FF leadership, and the Taoiseach firmly denies that there will be a general election in 2006. The opposition get their posters ready.