Brussels comedy - funny and real

SO a satirist is hired to write a sketch for a TV show about the European Parliament. As potential comedy material goes, the parliament isn’t really considered up to much.

There’s a Dutch MEP whose first name is Joke, but that’s about it. The parliament is Turn-off TV at its finest. Still, the satirist perseveres, and decides to cash in the general air of cynicism about MEPs, their wages, and their workloads.

He writes a sketch where outgoing MEPs offer their advice to newcomers - their top 10 tips, as it were.

They go something like this:

1. “The very first thing you should do when you arrive in the European Parliament is sign the attendance register.” (This is all that is required for the MEP to qualify for the €268 daily allowance, which is paid in addition to his or her salary. The MEP can then leave immediately without bothering to do any work.)

2. “You actually never have to leave the European Parliament building - each office has its own bathroom, there’s a hairdresser, three banks, a post office, a tourist office, a shop, three restaurants, a sandwich bar and a gym (although I’ve never actually seen the latter...).”

3. But if you have to go out: “You’ll have to learn to use the chauffeur service, rather than going for ‘a nice relaxing stroll’. Brussels’ cobbled streets are not very well maintained, and there are lots of dogs who don’t seem capable of making it to the park... need I say more?”

4. “Pack one pair of shoes with the boxes that go between Strasbourg and Brussels.” (These are the official metal containers, or “canteens” as they are known in parliament lingo, used to courier MEPs’ important documentation between the two cities. But why pack papers when you can reduce the luggage you have to carry yourself?)

5. “When you go to a committee, only focus on one issue and after that listen to the Greek translation because it sounds like music.”

6. “Try to make friends with people at the airport’s check-in desks so they will make your life easier.”

7. “Choose a political group which includes Latin countries; this way you will travel to Mediterranean countries every three months for regular meetings.”

8. “Don’t hesitate to offer champagne to the drivers; your car will arrive more quickly.”

9. “Choose nice assistants; it makes life more pleasant.”

10. “On the eve of the session’s last day in Strasbourg (Wednesdays), go to the Bar des Aviateurs for a good dance and a gossip.”

So the satirist hands the script editors the sketch, and they say they like it, but wonder aloud if it is not a stretch too far. Sure, the script editors say, the public are sceptical of the work MEPs do, and cynical about the salary and expenses they get in return for it, but a sketch in which an MEP talks about using an official box to pack shoes would have no basis in reality.

And isn’t the line about “choosing nice assistants” just straight from a bad Carry On film? As for giving champagne to drivers, well, that’s like something Alan B’stard, the fictional politician played by Rik Mayall, would do; funny, yes, but you couldn’t imagine it happening in real life. So it’s time for a bit of doctoring, they say. They want this sketch to be believable, because they think lampooning politicians always works better if the humour seems true.

So the satirist decides it’s time to let the script editors in on a secret. In fact, he didn’t write anything more than the outline. Then, he simply went to the BBC News website, which, following last year’s European elections, asked experienced MEPs for their advice to newcomers. The rest was just blatant plagiarism.

Tips number one, two and three came courtesy of German MEP Elmar Brok. Tip four came from Swedish MEP Charlotte Cederschiold. Tips five and six came from Spanish MEP Anna Terron i Cusi, and tips seven to 10 came from French MEP William Abitbol.

Irish MEPs were this week forced once more to defend their attendance records at the parliament. In the past, they have had to defend the considerable wages and expenses they receive. But it’s a hard sell, especially when their European colleagues reveal some of the frivolities at the heart of the parliament.

Pat Cox, the former president of the institution, once described it as a “gravy train and a travelling circus.”

Is it really any wonder why?